College Deals
Alright, thanks for coming down.
It’s slightly overdue, but grab a pew.
I’ve taken the liberty of putting a few options together,
which we can have a look at today.
We can do something that works for you —
not just for today, but also for tomorrow and any time after that.
It does depend on what you want to get out of this, really.
As I say, it has been too long, and you haven’t done much —
if anything —
with us before.
So before I ramble too much, let’s get you sorted with a college deal today.
First of all, your classic restoration, our Dominus Mihi Adiutor deal — replete with poor boys, masters, choirs, timber, lead, wainscot and white stones.
From the water gate at College Street,
all the way down to the Cattle Market bus station,
Battered to rubble, just as the smell and struggle of batter
currently linger.
Now, I would say that you probably don’t want this option,
And that’s not me saying that you can’t afford it!
Yes, it would be much closer to Wolsey’s heart —
but it would tear half the town apart.
Now, you probably want something as grand,
But maybe without all the bells and whistles.
We have something that might work for you — our National Centre deal.
This comes with different options, which we can mix and match
to suit your wants and needs.
I did take the liberty of typing up a few options for yourself, based on your interest:
You have the “National Centre for Education” plan: Ipswich being a place for educationalist and student alike to meet face-to-face,
Where the brightest minds dream of the best ideas for educational space.
But because your ambition, with Wolsey, fell apart —
other towns have more of a head start.
Or perhaps something more aligned to the needs of today,
A first-of-its kind residential centre for degree apprenticeships
might be the play.
Somewhere to host the next generation of socially-mobile talent
Amongst the greatest minds of the English-speaking world,
lending their experience to understanding apprenticeships.
Would this be something that would pique your interest?
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I can see that you may want something cheaper?
Not to worry, my colleagues and I thought about this too.
We have a proper bargain lined up for you,
Something cheap that you can dress up,
Like the pageants you’ve previously thought to be enough.
If you think of the King’s Scholars of Eton,
We have a similar proposal: Cardinal’s Scholars.
A curious core, without the need for further concrete.
Set it once in Ipswich,
and then watch as its foundation spread across the UK.
Cheaper still? Perhaps something more local in scope —
though in its current state Ipswich’s education will not cope.
I warn that this is a national prize,
with national eyes that you are trying to turn away.
Yes, it may be in Ipswich but that does not make the issue local —
Ipswich and Oxford! One whose virtue is heard across Christendom, not just as far as Witney.
But this rant of mine, you are right to stop:
We can get your deal signed today with a local package,
something more in line with your needs?
The main thing is to get you signed up with us, and then go from there.
This is what I’m thinking:
Invest in the culture of your classrooms,
ensure that those who are curious, if not also bright, are not bullied.
Neither by their peers nor by the bounded curriculum.
Ensure that teachers have what they need, and that they can meet.
We can do a trial period of various free things,
like switching attendance focus to parents
or by recognising that most children don’t intend to be late to class.
Oh, you mean something cheaper?
I’m sorry, I’m not sure what I can do.
But we can salvage something together.
You know those cards that you get in shops that you use to top us your gas meters? Maybe something to that effect.
Some small kitty with two pennies that you rub together,
whose spark warms the town’s entire hearth?
I’ll speak to my manager, and see what micro-deal we can assemble for you.
After a lot of work and shifting things around, we can —
oh, you’re gone.
Fuck it.
I’ll go to Norwich instead.
