Why Not Being Married is Okay.
There are many reasons people get married: love, money, security, religion, society, or because they have kids with someone. As someone who has always been cautious in this department, I have been in a committed relationship for 13 years without marriage that is working, so I am writing this to make my readers more aware of what marriage is, why it is not always the best decision for some, and why we should think about it in more detail before jumping into it.
As children, we learn that to be married is such a great thing. Finding your one true love and living happily ever after is the ultimate mission in life. It can be the greatest achievement for some, but it has proven to be the worst for others. Marriage is difficult to sever when you no longer have that feeling of commitment for that person you once felt committed to. The idea of falling in love, having that one person to be your partner for your whole life, and knowing that person will always love you and be there for you is such an emotional pull, it’s just enough to make everyone desire it. But is this fairy that we are taught to dream of reality? I think not!
Being married and living happily ever after is a fairytale presented in movies and storybooks. The reality is, that it is just a piece of paper that legally joins you to another person and makes it very difficult to get out of. This paper does not mean you will not have difficulty in marriage. It does not mean your spouse will never betray you. It just means, by law, you are connected to this person legally. Without being legally married, you can still be committed and in a monogamous relationship with your partner and be just as happy as being married. The only difference is, that if either of you choose to go separate ways at some point, you do not have to file for a divorce through the court to get out of the relationship.
The average divorce costs about $7,000 to dissolve per Forbes advisor, (Christy Beiber) https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/. Ask yourself how many of your friends and family that have gotten married are divorced now. About 42%-45% of all first marriages end in divorce. Women initiate 69% of all divorces, 31% by men. 22% of couples experience the end of their marriage within five years. “Divorce Statistics of 2024 (Brenda Harper) Maze of Love https://mazeoflove.com/divorce/.
As we become young adults, are we too eager to make that fairytale happen and start our lives by settling for the first real committed relationship that comes our way? Do we even know what it feels like to lose someone, and have our hearts broken yet? Will the paper given to us by a court make that one person stay committed and never betray you or change their mind about a life with you forever? Are we closing our eyes to the failed relationships around us in the belief that we will never have to go through a nasty divorce, or does society pressure us to think we are nothing unless we marry someone?
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In a marriage, you must share decision-making. You cannot just make decisions on your own and expect another person to agree with them. It’s a team, and if two people are not in sync, and are on different pages of how they envision their life, it will not work. What about the two people entering a marriage on the same page but finding out later that one or both have a new outlook on life or desire on how they want their life to be? If the other spouse is not in agreement, someone will have to end the relationship unless they decide to put all their hopes and dreams aside for their partner. If this is the case, it is only a matter of time before the person making the sacrifices is no longer happy with their life and needs changes.
Historically, men provided for the family, and women cared for the house and children. Today, these roles have changed drastically. Most women work now and have careers. These days, it takes two incomes to support a household. Many women prefer to have a career rather than stay home raising children. They feel their career is just as important as men’s careers. In turn, men now stay home being Mr. Mom, letting their wives be the breadwinner. What if you marry someone who expects you to leave your dream career to stay home and be the family caretaker? What if you cannot pursue your dream career to the fullest extent you would like because you have a spouse who expects you to be home and not travel? Would setting aside your wants and dreams for someone else who wants something different from you make you rethink marriage? It is never OK for your spouse to ask you to stop your goals and aspirations because you are now Mrs. X. (Kathy Keveh), 7 Reasons Marriage Is On the Decline | HuffPost Life)
Losing your identity when you become married is another issue for some. When joined in marriage with someone you risk the chance of losing your identity by focusing on your partner’s needs, you tend to put aside your own. This can lead to a strain in your relationship. You may resent your partner for this because they are not fulfilling your needs. Feeling this way will not last and can only end in a divorce. “No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they become involved with a man they begin to give up part of themselves — their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their beliefs and values,” (Vickie Larson) https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-do-women-lose-themsel_b_1402680.
Old traditional marriage vows say, “Love and Obey.” Thank God they took “Obey” out because I don’t plan to tell my man I will obey him. That is not happening! LOL. This will never be in my wedding vows. I think we can collaborate on ideas, reason with each other, and decide what is important for one another, but obey, hmm, no! First of all, I have a hard enough time second-guessing my decisions in life, but to trust someone else to make decisions for me is not my idea of a good life. “I need a partner, not a father!” as stated by me, Angela Barreto.
The risks of saying “I do” and trusting that you or the other person will never change their mind are big risks. We all will change and grow throughout our lives. It’s only human nature to do so. Our desires when we were young are not the same as we may have as we age. The friends we once had in the past are not always the same as time passes. We learn as we go through life; events and people change us. Who will say our feelings towards someone we marry will not do the same? How are people so sure that the one person they love so much will never change? You may marry someone, but years later, they are not even the same person you once vowed to be with forever. These are some of the things to take into consideration before deciding to marry.
Work Cited:
Brenna Harper, Writer, January 15, 2024. Divorce Statistics in 2024 (Latest U.S. Data) | Maze of Love.
Christy Bieber, Writer, Jan 8, 2024, 4:23 pm. Revealing Divorce Statistics In 2024 — Forbes Advisor.
Kathy Kaveh, Contributor, Writer, Dec 14, 2015, 05:37 PM EST. Updated Dec 14, 2016. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform 7 Reasons Marriage Is On the Decline | HuffPost Life.
Vicki Larson, Contributor, Co-author of “The New I Do,” journalist, mom Apr 9, 2012, 12:36 PM EDT |Updated Mar 27, 2014. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform Why Do Women Lose Themselves in Marriage? | HuffPost Life.
