Time To Let Them Go, So You Can Grow
On unlearning codependent attachment and trauma bonding.
Not-so-coincidentally, when my ex-boyfriend and I separated, his back went out.
It was clear to me that he was clinging to my presence not from a place of love at the end, but from a deep attachment. It was like he had claws in my energetic field, and when I removed myself, he began spiraling down. A lower lumbar disc went out of place in his spine.
He had a panic attack as well in the week following me leaving.
After all this, he had the nerve to share that his mom thought I was “witchy.” Clearly he agreed and wanted use the word to shame me. I had not yet come to embrace this side of myself, so I took offense.
And still thought to myself “How was I possessive when I was the one seeking to liberate us both by breaking up?”
However, like attracts like.
I didn’t want to be in a codependent relationship. It made me feel suffocated. Cut off from community, from my creativity, from adventure… it made my world small.
We continued to heal our relationship with physical, healthy distance. He told me both his psychologist parents diagnosed his back injury as psychosomatically induced. How truthful the body could be.
I carried a lot of guilt for leaving someone and witnessing them physically and emotionally fall apart afterward. But, like with everything, there are cycles. His back eventually healed, and so did his heart and balance of life. We kept a friendship, and time went on…
Now I’m examining this seed in me. The possessive one. The hidden codependent. In romantic relationships and in platonic ones most hugely.
I have a lot of friends. I have also had a lot of friendships end.
Much like in dating, there has been a honeymoon period. Meeting someone amazing and feeling swept up in how awesome they are. We’re off to the races, planning hangouts each week, confiding secrets with each other, sharing our inner worlds before substantial time and trust have been developed.
Then one day, the cracks start appearing.
Nevertheless, they are ignored.
Maybe this friend is always the victim in every dramatic story they tell. Maybe they start dominating what was once a balanced conversation with venting. Maybe they consistently have a drama unfolding and feel powerless in its happening.
What you once found endearing about them becomes painfully annoying. You can’t seem to put the rose-colored glasses back on and see them through the lenses you had during the honeymoon.
You see their flaws-and we’re all fallible, flawed humans-but it’s overpowering your ability to respect them as a friend.
Their perception of reality seems distorted. You read texts they sent to a someone they started dating and see their emotional immaturity in the matter. After months of sharing advice on choosing-better suitors, you realize they may actually be the toxic one.
You also realize you’ve wasted a lot of energy empathizing with someone who elects chaos is their default setting.
These patterns are often unconscious.
And like with any judgment, my partner reminds me: “Anytime you point a finger at someone else, three are pointed back at you.”
Where did I fit into this cycle?
How did this pattern relate to my dating experiences?
Well, many of us are looking to be swept up. Swept up in love or in hitting it off with a new friend. Instant bonding.
Which can sometimes be a disguise for magnetic wounds.
We are often magnetized toward people who will wound us in similar ways to the past or to people who share our same wounds.
We call it “in love” or “instant chemistry” but sometimes it may be simply trauma bonding. It can be codependent because you two get each other as your unhealed and unfiltered selves.
You may provoke the parts of each other that need attention to come forward and be addressed.
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Maybe in the beginning it feels like bliss. Deep understanding.
And then it will feel like suffering, tickling of an old wound, still unaddressed.
And if you don’t take notes and integrate the lessons from those relationships, you are likely to repeat them with another person-whether platonic or romantic.
Unfortunately, in the case of my ex-boyfriend, there was more suffering than expected, and his back said, “Take notes, dammit.”
Admittedly, I am still taking notes…
I made a new friend recently, and I love how mature the connection has begun. A healthy pacing of hangs. Strong communication and effort, but also giving one another space.
There are no red flags about her. She doesn’t seem to have drama in her life, despite having some major life events shake her world recently. She carries a resilience that I recognize now.
Yet still, I am pacing myself in building a connection rooted in trust.
Continuing to do so with all people, in all contexts of relationships, is clutch.
And necessary in this stage of life for me.
I have less time for friendships, so I am deeply intentional about the energy I give to others.
Going back to the Somatics of it all, it makes a huge difference in my energy too.
My witchy self receives dream guidance. In one of my dreams after the breakup my ex he appeared like a vampire in my dream. I experienced him as energy-draining.
Increasingly, I was drained and fatigued when we were together.
I saw the “boyfriend effect” trend on TikTok, and it was so evident when looking back on photos and videos of myself at the time. I looked depleted of life-force-energy. I was having a glow-down…
Similarly I can’t sustain friendships that are energy draining ongoingly. We all hit rough patches, but a consistent Debbie-downer/Damsel-in-distress/Chatty-chaotic were no longer a friend archetypes I could stomach.
Our bodies are wise, and sometimes they make the truth painfully evident.
Also it doesn’t have to build to a painful point before it’s evident.
If you’re seeking clarity on a connection, book a call with me here to somatically feel into what you may be ignoring.
We ignore warning signs often because letting go of people is hard.
It is necessary, and learning to do it gracefully is not easy.
Some people are not meant to join you in the next chapter. Or sometimes they are-but not through your clinging, force, or ongoing depletion around them.
We are all growing and evolving in different directions, and allowing people their own navigation is a way of trusting that they are supported by something greater than you.
You are supported by something greater than you too.
Wishing you well in letting go and releasing people with love and grace. While also maintaining trust that who is for you will be in your life.
Love,
Anisa
P.S. I was listening to an awesome podcast this week on TMB on welcoming higher/more aligned friendships into your life. Great listen for those needing faith in manifesting healthy friendships in new seasons of life.
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Originally published at https://anisabenitez.substack.com on September 2, 2026.
