Enjoying life in your 30s no matter what

I am 39, no partner, no kids, living in a foreign country, and just was laid off at my job. And I feel happy.

For some reason, I have always been ruining social stereotypes about what a happy life should look like. While other people were working hard to get richer and buy apartments, branded clothes, and cars, I worked flexible hours, never pushed myself into a career, and invested all my money into travelling and experiences.

Okay, honestly, it was not always like this. In my twenties, it was a bit different. I really tried to live conventionally. Finished school with distinctions, got a Bachelor's degree, started working in IT, married a nice guy, played the role of a caring wife, and traveled on vacation twice a year.

But I have always dreamed of an adventure such as in the movies about Indiana Jones or “Romancing the Stone”.

In my early years, the life I live now would seem like a fantasy movie. Let me explain.

I was born and raised in a city of 300,000 citizens in Ukraine. I lived with my mom and grandparents, and we lived a quite simple life. I never had my own room; we shared it with mom and, later, also my stepfather. Even though my family was very intelligent, we were always short of money. The 90s were really challenging for most households in my country, and especially in my region.

At times, the whole city was experiencing water and electricity disruptions. We had to fill the bathtub with water to use it during the day, as it was only available for 3 hours in the morning and evening. And we had to heat it in a teapot so we could wash ourselves. I did my homework by candlelight (yes, in the end of the 20th century), and my most beloved dessert was a bread with butter and sugar.

We didn’t have TikTok or Instagram in my childhood, and I spent my idleness viewing the atlas pages – just reading the names of the cities, rivers, and mountains. This is how I traveled when I was seven.

I couldn’t even imagine that one day I would move to Germany, travel every month to a new place, live in hotels, eat in the luxury restaurants, and see all the places I have only dreamt of. I have never even set this as a goal – it was unimaginable back then, considering the life that we had.

Besides, it was a social norm that you should live according to a common scenario – school, further education (if you’re smart enough), stable job, marriage, kids, and at some point buying an apartment as the apogee of your success story. Then, just keep going without big ups and downs till your retirement, also quite miserable.

Honestly, this scenario had made me feel depressed already in the early age. As a teenager, I already felt that this life is doomed and my only salvation can be if I find a partner whom I would love. So I pushed myself hard into searching for him, often having very bad crushes, and finally finding myself in co-dependent relationships.

I married at 26. Even though I loved him, it was more like marrying out of desperation. Back then, I had already considered myself too old to stay single (even though I was pretty) and that it could be my last chance to get married. I wanted to have kids by 28, like my grandmother. I tried really hard to make this marriage work by being a nice wife despite the abusive relationships. My true self was lusting for freedom and creativity. But I had too many stereotypes and limitations in my head that had also been supported by the social group I was surrounded by.

Long story short, at the age of 30, I dared to divorce. And started everything from zero. Zero job, zero money, zero self-esteem. And surprise, surprise, with time I felt liberated, happy, and more confident. I will not go into detail about how much inner work I have done to overcome my post-divorce depression, self-torturing, doubting my decision, and fearing being judged by my family and society for such a “mistake”. Now, it’s all in the past, and I just want to give you the context of what I've come through to this point in life. And this all was my twenties.

Immediately after the divorce, I found a new cool job in IT after 4 years of a break while I was married and tried to work as a freelance photographer. Suddenly, I was surrounded by a new group of interesting people, men paid attention to me, and I began traveling and living for 2–3 months abroad. I allowed myself to believe in myself and live a life of a hedonist. Some of my friends called me kaifushnitsa which is a kind of made-up slang word in Russian that stands for a person who enjoys life. And I can’t relate more!

I had a remote job, flexible hours, a decent salary, and was able to work from any place in the world, not limited by any obligations. I changed my style, began wearing more feminine clothes and doing make-up, started going on dates, and became financially independent.

At 35, I suddenly fell in love, moved to Germany to live there with my partner, and dived into the relationship that was meant to be “they lived happily ever after”. But in a year, we broke up, as, apparently, my feelings were bigger than his. I stay alone, in a foreign country, sick, broken-hearted, in the middle of the cold winter, without a place to live, with a new job and almost no money, far away from my family, and on top of that, the war started in my country. This was one of the darkest times in my life. I was trying to understand what I did wrong again and why I am going through these lessons.

It took me a long time to reconnect with myself and move on. I reflected a lot, tried different psychological approaches, and started strange relationships. I think I made it through only due to all previous experience in my childhood — those hardships that I went through as a kid made me strong and unbreakable. I have found the inner pillar that I can lean on.

The job became better when my manager changed. I felt more stable and grew professionally every day. I pulled myself out of the home, even though I am a shy and introverted person. I started attending Meetups, went on dates, indulged myself, and traveled to new places to fill the emptiness in my soul. Four years passed in full hedonism. Kaifushnitsa was back.

Beautiful uncertainty

Now, I am starting a new chapter. Just a couple of months ago, I was laid off, along with some other people in my company. I felt a mixture of fear and relief. When the first shock was gone, I felt curiosity for this new “unknown” as I already knew that uncertainty is not always bad. In most cases, it means a new beginning and unlimited opportunities. It’s a pivotal life point, and I am excited about it.

I feel happier than when I was in relationships, employed, living with parents in my hometown, having stability, being ten years younger, and being a dreamer. Well, for the last one, I am still the one. I realised that I own the power to enjoy life in the current moment. I can be happy because of so many ordinary things. I feel like I’ve suddenly jumped into my “retirement” period with all its benefits while I am still young. No need to work, no kids, some money from the government, freedom to do whatever I want with my life. I can fill my days with enjoyable things, be tender with myself, not pursue any goals, allow myself to just be present, just sit without doing anything. After 15 years of work without a break, I feel like I deserve it. And you deserve it, no matter how hard you’ve worked or haven’t worked at all.

The list of happiness for those who are in their 30s–40s:

1. Slow down

Just stop the race! Realize that no one is chasing you. Life is not rushing when you also don’t rush it.

Surprisingly, when I lost my job, I started walking more slowly. I allowed myself to relax, to be sometimes stupid, sometimes to forget something, and to be unpunctual. And it gave me more freedom.

If you think that I failed some appointments or agreements because of that, you will be surprised that I didn’t. It turns out that other people aren’t punctual either, and no one has ever been angry with me because I was late. Moreover, even when I was late because I allowed myself to be slow, in most cases, I was still the first to come to the meeting.

2. Let go of control

I have always been the person who only relies on myself, very independent, punctual, and organized. I kept everything under control.

Now, I let myself lose control over situations, allow other people to take care of me, make the decisions, do the first move. And it works. The world hasn’t fallen apart as I let it go by itself. It is still rolling. But I got liberated. I surrendered to the God, or Universe, or Whatever-You-Call-It.

3. Take a break from the noise

When I lost my job, I found myself lying on the sofa, meaninglessly scrolling through Instagram for hours. I didn’t have the discipline any longer. My day wasn’t framed with the job tasks. So, social media filled the emptiness.

After some days (or weeks?), it just came to me that I am wasting my precious time witnessing someone’s life. I got FOMO and felt miserable. Everyone was posting some cool reels, and I was just consuming this. Then, I started posting my own reels to compensate for being a watcher. It gave some comfort, but soon I started being anxious that I didn’t get enough likes or comments.

I stopped and looked inside myself — do I really want to depend on this? On someone’s likes or content that doesn’t make me happier or smarter.

And then I quit. Not forever, but I made a pact with myself to leave Instagram for a month to get rid of the virtual noise.

Our brain is getting overwhelmed with this short content. So I decided to switch to long content—movies, books, interviews, and blog posts.

I already feel the benefits. I started being more focused, more creative, and less anxious in just two weeks. I started the blog on Medium!

4. Keep a healthy lifestyle

It is not something new. You know that eating healthily and doing sports benefits your well-being and potentially increases longevity. But in the context of happiness, a healthy lifestyle is one of the cornerstones. Tasty food is the source of dopamine. But when you also realize that you eat healthy, you add mental points to yourself because you did something good. When you eat chips, most probably you will feel shame or try to find an excuse for it.

Same with the sports. You earn points every time you overcome your laziness and go to the gym or for a run. And again, after the training, you feel great emotionally because of the relief of the stress hormones. Personally, I also like this sweet sore in the muscles because it means that I worked hard and became a little bit stronger.

5. Try new passions without fear of failure

We all should start doing any new hobbies we have thought about for a long time.

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Without big expectations, without waiting for Monday to come, or stars to align in Capricorn. Just do it. And enjoy the process.

When you think about starting yoga but fear that your body isn’t flexible enough to do it, try to go there anyway from the position of curiosity. I have been practicing yoga for 15 years, and I still have imposter syndrome, as I still can’t bend to reach the floor with my hands. So what? I still get a lot of benefits from doing asanas. I enjoy the process of practice. And I do see the progress.

When you don’t set goals but simply follow your passion to enjoy the process, everything becomes easy.

Do. Fail. Learn. Start over. Enjoy the process.

6. Don’t take life as something stable

Life is the flow. It is unstable. No one can guarantee that nothing will change. Every day brings new changes.

Instead of living in the fear of possible bad outcomes, embrace the uncertainty. Dive into an adventure of endless possibilities and opportunities that you can try out.

You can take different paths, try multiple roles, change your mind halfway, be whatever you want. And it is never too late.

Every time I thought that finally my life was stable, something happened, and I had to start from scratch. Well, not from a complete scratch. My experience and knowledge have always stayed and grown. It has always been painful to realize that you have lost everything you’ve been working hard on. But so exciting to have the chance to begin again and make it better.

7. Break the life into iterations

We got used to thinking about our life as a straight line that has started its run with our birth and will end with our last breath.

I suggest breaking the life into shorter time periods. It is always easier to do a huge project when you break it into small chunks and eat the elephant one bite at a time.

This way, when something breaks on the way, you don’t perceive it as a massive disruption. You just start a new iteration — the act of repeating a process, usually with the goal of getting progressively closer to a desired goal, outcome, or improved version. If this works in IT management, why not try to apply it to life? Consider yourself a Project Manager for your life.

In my life so far, the iterations have taken 4–5 years. For you, it can be shorter or longer. Take a look back and try to remember all the times when you have had major changes, reconsidered your life priorities, or goals.

8. Find simple pleasures

After 30, we often change our views on many things that mattered in our twenties. I noticed that with my friends we started paying attention to health issues, discussing the lifestyle and home improvements, as well as ways of investment. We prioritise long sleep instead of staying up the whole night in the club; we would rather drink water to stay hydrated than take another cocktail; we would watch the sunset in calmness instead of playing a computer game.

We get closer to nature, learn the names of the plants, and get interested in how to set up the garden by the window.

Make a list of your simple pleasures that cost no to little money but give you possibility to reconnect with yourself. Just some ideas of the rituals that can support your mental health:

• Reading a book in the silence
• Watching birds
• Having a long breakfast
• Preparing coffee or tea
• Cooking
• Drawing
• Making order in your home
• Talking to a friend
• Walking your dog
• Planning a new trip
• Enjoying the sun or rain on your skin
• Journaling
• Lying in the park listening to the rustling leaves
• Going to the farmers’ market for flowers and vegetables
• Meditating.

9. Dress up

Life is flying fast. While you think that it is not important how you look, it still makes your day when you look nice.

I like how people stay in style in Italy or France. Every day is a reason to dress up.

Don’t save your best clothes or accessories for a special occasion. It’s a waste!

Use them now. Even going for groceries. We don’t know what tomorrow can bring. Now is everything that we have. The only future in which we can be sure is NOW. Enjoy your life!

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With this, I want to wrap up my first post.

I will be happy to hear what you think.