Relationships Compound Too
Being a person who is in finance and actually lives it, I have realised one thing: the relationships we have with people, and the emotions we associate with them, compound too.
For those who don’t know what compounding actually is, it is something almost magical in the world of finance. It is even considered the eighth wonder of the world because of the value addition it can create when something is compounded rightly. I’ll give the conventional definition of compounding in the picture , but for now, let’s just stick to our topic: how are relationships and emotions related to compounding?
Staying in a hostel for two years now has given me a good amount of experience in understanding different types of people. At the same time, I have learnt tolerance, patience, understanding and many other soft skills, including some skills that I honestly don’t even know how to name.
One thing I have understood is that all of us have two major faces, and under those, we have multiple phases. We change. We react differently depending on what life is offering us at that particular point. Someone can be the nicest person you know at one point and still behave badly at another point because of what they are going through. That doesn’t necessarily mean that their entire character has changed.
But I think the problem starts when we keep focusing on someone’s negative side. The more we think about what they did wrong, the more we start noticing everything else they do wrong too. Even if we don’t show it outside and continue behaving normally with them, that resentment slowly builds up inside us. Eventually, it either comes out in some way or starts affecting us internally.
That is where I think the idea of compounding comes in.
The more negatives you collect in your mind, the more negative things you start noticing about that person. And obviously, everyone has a bad side. A person can be good at one point and bad at another because of circumstances life has offered them, circumstances that they themselves might be trying to understand and grow through. We don’t really have the right to question someone’s entire character based on one phase they are going through.
That doesn’t mean we should ignore bad behaviour. We don’t have to. If someone has hurt you, address it. Communicate it. The hurt caused by someone’s actions shouldn’t simply be buried and ignored just because you want to maintain the relationship.
But after addressing it, there comes a point where you have to decide whether you want to keep carrying it.
Because every emotion, every thought and every little conclusion you form about someone can compound much more than you think it does. And sometimes, you don’t need to forgive someone for them. You need to forgive them for your own peace.
Trust me when I say this: there is very little peace in constantly having bad thoughts about the people around you, especially those six or seven people who are actually around you and shape you in ways you don’t even realise. You learn things from people that you can’t even list. The people in your life add value to you in ways you may only recognise much later.
So when you find yourself thinking only about the bad things someone has done, try remembering the good things too. Remember the times they stood by you, the times they silently sacrificed something for you, the times they tolerated you, or the times they went beyond their means just for you.
I’m not saying you need to stay in a toxic environment. There are genuinely toxic people. There are people who repeatedly hurt you, manipulate you, disrespect you and have no intention of changing. I’m not talking about them.
I’m talking about the people you were once extremely close to. The people you loved spending time with. The people who had healed you multiple times. The people with whom you once spoke about being each other’s bridesmaid. The family friend you imagined staying close to for years. The person whose child you once casually joked would marry yours.
And then, suddenly, one day, everything starts feeling fake. Wrong. Bad. And it’s coming from the same person.
That is when I think we are supposed to become a little more cautious about what we are feeling and how we are reacting.
Yes, they could have hurt you with a few words. Maybe unintentionally. Maybe through a joke. Maybe through an action. Maybe they left you alone for a while because they simply didn’t have the energy for anything at that point. There could be a hundred reasons that you don’t even know.
You don’t have to immediately justify their behaviour. You can be hurt. You can create some distance. You can take some time. But when everything cools down, communicate.
Because distance compounds too.
At first, you might think distance removes awkwardness. It gives everyone some space and creates less drama. But you may not realise that the relationship is becoming more and more distant until one day you look at it and wonder where you actually lost the relationship. And even if you want to talk, you may no longer know how to.
That’s why I think we sometimes need to try looking at things from another person’s point of view. Not because we are always wrong, and definitely not because we need to sit and analyse everything we did wrong. Sometimes, understanding another person’s perspective can simply prevent one misunderstanding from becoming an entire story in our head.
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If you suddenly start seeing only the negative things in someone, try remembering the times when they were beyond good to you. The times they went out of their way for you. The times they made you feel loved. Not to erase what hurt you, but to put it into perspective.
Sometimes, remembering the whole person reduces the intensity of one bad phase, and you may even feel a little more love towards them again.
After all, we are all human. We all change. We all have good phases and bad phases.
because in the blink of an eye everything changes
Sometimes people hurt you out of fear. Sometimes they are unable to give you the hand you expected when you needed it the most. Sometimes they simply don’t know how to show up. That doesn’t automatically make them bad people.
And sometimes, yes, they are simply wrong. That’s okay too.
You don’t control other people. You don’t control whether they understand their mistake, whether they apologise or whether they change. But you do have some control over what you continue to carry inside yourself.
Some people understand their mistakes when you sit with them and communicate honestly. You tell them, “What you did was wrong, and it hurt me,” and they listen. Some people understand only when you give them time and space to process what happened. Some need a combination of communication, time and distance.
It is simply about understanding people.
But here comes the disclaimer: there will be people who will not agree that what they did was wrong. You can explain it in every possible way. You can communicate. You can give them time. You can give them space. And they still might not understand.
Those people are outside your control, and that’s completely fine.
There may even be times when you are going through absolute hell in your own head and you genuinely cannot think of a single good thing that person has done for you. That’s okay. You don’t have to sit there forcing yourself to find their good qualities while you’re hurting. You don’t have to invalidate your own feelings just because someone was once good to you.
But what you can try not to do is exaggerate the issue in your mind.
Don’t take one misunderstanding and start stacking every negative thing that person has ever done on top of it. Because that is where resentment starts compounding. One incident becomes another. One thought becomes another. One hurt becomes ten reasons.
And suddenly, you’re no longer reacting to what actually happened. You’re reacting to everything you’ve accumulated in your mind.
That’s when the returns of compounding become destructive instead of valuable.
You carry the grudge. You carry the anger. You carry the unanswered questions. And eventually, either you destroy yourself with it, or you destroy the relationship.
So maybe the lesson isn’t to ignore people’s bad sides. Maybe it isn’t even to forgive everyone immediately. Maybe it is simply to not keep collecting resentment.
People have phases. Relationships have phases. We have phases too. And we are not responsible for carrying the entire mental load of figuring out why someone is behaving differently today.
Give it time. Give yourself time. Communicate when you can. Create distance when you need to. Forgive when you genuinely feel ready.
And most importantly, don’t blame yourself unless you genuinely know that you did something wrong. Don’t automatically take the blame. Don’t add unnecessary pressure onto yourself. Don’t turn someone else’s phase into a permanent judgement of yourself.
Because just like money, emotions compound too.
And unlike money, you don’t always get to choose what the final return will be.
So be careful about what you keep depositing.
