From 24 Mar 2017, when some of these were topical
Meanwhile, in another universe, where Arnab Goswami’s Republic is now the major news corporation in the world, verily displaying its monopolistic position by using Hindi headlines ever so often; today’s breaking story:
“दूर के ढोल सुहावने” — A Facebook program that should have you very worried
We are breaking this story, based on reliable sources both in the Valley(Powai) and Facebook HQ(North Korea).
All FB accounts have been running algorithms to calculate a Projected-Happiness (PH) quotient for each user, calculated using intelligence gathered across a user’s years on Facebook, from their posts, comments, photos, and other interactions.
It is rumored that Facebook plans to release this information to social vigilantes who will, over the next few months be tasked with gleefully disrupting your life, loves, and joys to bring it down to level of the PH of humans not yet on Facebook.
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When contacted, a Facebook PR person, on condition of anonymity, said, “Facebook understands that there is no “right” way to distinguish genuine happiness and projected happiness and that in many cases they could be exactly the same thing. The algorithms and program design are based completely on the views and direction from of our founder, Mark, who has his unique understanding of these Happy phenomena. As the billionaire founder of Facebook, he looks towards this program to being his social engineering masterpiece, which he will watch unfolding from his new digs in Pyongyang.”
Facebook refused to comment on whether they have hired Social Vigilantes to balance the PH of the world.
Experts say that just calculating a PH would not amount to any “social engineering masterpiece”, and that it is likely that Facebook will be using the data for some purpose beyond just displaying it.
A spokesperson from Al Qaeda, the corporate espionage company, said, “In view of the recent news about PH calculations, we must see Mark’s recent acquisition of prime real estate in the CBD in Pyongyang and the movement of his company’s HQ to the same city, to take advantage of both the free economic zone and North Korea’s unique NPT (Nuclear Protection against Threats) with caution.”
Industry stalwarts like Rahul Yeahdav, of the loonycorn Housings.com, a leader in homes, rentals, home goods, home services, divorce proceedings, toy manufacturing, and pedicures commented, “Facebook is irrelevant. They are creating drama to be in the news. Wait for my new unicorn..”
The Bansalls of Flipkarty, world leader in e-commerce and oo-commerce (ecomm in Bhojpuri) said, “We took down Amazon, rejuvenated the rainforests, social media is next. Facebook should stop trying to create an This of That business based on our moves”
The CEO of the universe’s top comedy network TV eFF, A. Kumar said, “This is just not done. The privacy issues are a nightmare. If Mark were here, as a heterosexual man, I would tell him that he is not sexy”
They have all spoken, unlike on live television with us, but the Republic wants to know! Are you listening Mark?
