On Grief
Ever since I was a child, I had a very difficult relationship with grief. I saw people dying around me and the families getting shattered. It always have affected me because maybe I was scared that one day this feeling will also catch me. I cannot run away from this. Having an ageing grandmother, with years passing by, it felt more than real and the anxiety increased year by year. The woman who fed you, loved you when your parents were busy in their own lives, always saw you as an individual rather than just another unwanted child, born because the aim of having a boy is not yet fulfilled.
With time this sensation kept on growing with dadi getting older, having those episodes when she got very sick.
While this was a constant anxious feeling that I had growing up, always afraid that one day death with take away something that I had and I will not be able to do anything. I didn't realise that grief was something that I have already witnessed. But how come? Are we capable of feeling grief even if someone hasn't gone yet. Can we grieve someone who is alive but is never been there for you. I feel like having absent parents is the same thing or maybe more difficult because you can see them, they are very much there but still absent when you need them. When you know that even if you can count people on your hands when you will feel like you are drowning, you are on your own.
At least death gives you a closure and then you are left with good memories of what if this could have happened pr that......
Get Aryamishra’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
All these theories and imagination when you have from people who are alive but you are still grieving them, adds to the misery because that truth slaps you on the face that whatever hopes you had or no matter how long you wait, it's not gonna change. This kind of grief is realsit, it gives you a reality check and behaves like a fundamental truth.
While this is something we realise or know deep down that it's not gonna change, accepting it takes a lot more courage. That begging for love is something that never works out and no matter how hard you try it's a two way street.
How to cope with this kind of loss, how to behave around these people. Is there ever a redemption from this, that one day it will stop hurting and you will be able to get a solution and not feel like a victim.
I am not sure that this point. But maybe putting thing out there will help others feeling the same way that they are not alone and that their feelings are valid and that they are worthy of the love that they never got.......
I hope one day it will stop feeling this painful that one day this sinking feeling will go away and the heart and mind will feel lighter and more in sync with the world that have plenty of love. Maybe one day you will also get some....
