Brown ~ Beige
To whomsoever
or whatever
My bad patterns don’t leave
They sit, They stay, unlike~
And I am to be blamed for sure, not fixing them, yeah
I guess.
So here I am.
A mirror I am trying to be. I hope.
You know, for the years I’d qualify as “decent”,
I wanted to be a good human,
That was the goal,
Simply be good
But then I stopped.
Thought, what does it mean to be “a good human”?
You don’t know how to define it, do you?
Neither do I
Nor do my traits help with that
And nowhere do I see people telling me that,
I have to fit into this jar of
being a “good human”.
My aspirations?
I was just dulling myself to be happy
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Neutral, you’d call it, I suppose.
That beloved grey zone of mine, I tell you.
And I loved it so much, it came to life as a color
Grey. My favorite.
It lasted. For a while at least.
Then I fell again.
To Brown, I think.
Or was it Beige?
Whatever it was, or it is~
It just well, exists.
“Who’s important to you?”
Question never bugged me.
Why?
Because there was no answer.
Should I feel remorse about that?
Probably?
…No.
I’d love to love.
No truth, no lies.
But my shell,
too hard to break
I always cave in.
Even if someone cherished me
I’d only crawl back
into my shell of grey.
Safe n Suffocating.
The guilt of doing wrong.
It consumes me whole,
folds me into the void that hums.
And even then, if someone cherished me again,
I suspect I’d wreck it myself.
I’d puncture the smallest happiness,
just to prove it never belonged to me.
