How Dare the World Keep Turning?- Moving on Through Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
Moving on Through Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
I walk through the aisles of my favorite local supermarket, my usual grocery list in hand — more fruit and sandwich meat for my stepdaughter’s lunch, some healthy-ish Greek yogurt for me. As I look around, everyone else seems to be casually browsing, going about their day. But how? Don’t they realize I’ve lost a baby? Another baby? My third in less than a year? Can’t they see my grief and pain? How can everything just go on normally when I feel this ache inside?
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I try to push these thoughts aside and do what everyone else is doing — keep moving. But inside, I’m still stuck on that day I heard, “There is no longer a heartbeat.” I remember the ultrasound appointment where the doctors saw an empty gestational sac. Now, I’m grieving not only for children I will never hold but for a life I once dreamed of living someday.
Nearly a month ago, I sat in the waiting room of my OB-GYN’s office, knowing the appointment would likely end badly. I looked around at families chatting, smiling, laughing — all around me — expectant mothers at various stages, cradling their beautiful bellies. I looked down at mine. At only 9 weeks and 2 days, I’d experienced plenty of bloating but still had no visible bump to show. Of all my five pregnancies, I’d never reached the point of having a cute little bump to display. This appointment was just another reminder that I might never experience that joy. I was there to confirm that my baby had stopped growing and to plan the next steps.
I’ve never felt my babies kick, counted their tiny toes, or smelled their sweet heads. I’ve never celebrated finding out their gender or planned a baby shower with my best friends. And now, it seems unlikely I ever will.
After a pregnancy loss, it’s so hard not to feel bitter. It’s difficult to hold onto hope when everything around you suggests there is none. The well-meaning advice and kind wishes mean a lot, but often they feel so hollow. Because, a week later, the world keeps turning. But how?
