Don’t Grip Too Tightly To The Plan
A few things are different this week as I sit to write this. It’s later in the day because the whole household got up earlier than usual. I got up 15 minutes before I normally do, thinking I had extra time. I was wrong because both my wife and stepson were up shortly after I got ready to start writing. For some reason, I can’t write when my family is in the same room. They had to leave later in the day, so it all worked out.
A little lesson from the universe to maybe hold my plan a little less tightly, perhaps.
Speaking of the universe and lessons, I have been having a bit of a crisis of faith in life lately. I have been struggling with whether I should stay on the same path or change things up to feel a bit more alive again. I have been pretty content with life for a while, and I think in the quest to determine who I am and how I can best serve the world, it is becoming a bit more of a problem both mentally and emotionally.
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, especially at work, and I both feel stuck and taken advantage of. It’s been doing a number on my mental health. On the one side, I want to get what I am worth and feel more valued than I do. As one of many “leads” in my department, I have quite a bit more responsibility and do significantly more than the others, and we make similar pay. On the other hand, I want to request a major change in what I do and remove myself from the situation.
Both terrify me; I could do some really good things both for myself and for my coworkers in both paths. In the end, I may not have much choice in how it plays out, which adds another fear.
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The part I can control is how I act and respond to whatever happens. That is the part I am trying to focus on and is the part of my life that I am most trying to improve.
I want people to find help and support in me, and that hasn’t always been the case.
Enough things have happened both in the world and my personal orbit in the last 5–6 years (along with a few really good books) that have me thinking about my permanence and the energy that I have and will leave when I am gone.
Will people think back fondly and talk about how helpful and good I was? Will they make memes and rejoice that I am gone? Ok, so maybe I am not famous enough for the memes part, but will some people be glad I no longer breathe the same air as they do?
I think about this mostly not in vanity or legacy as a personal thing, but as a positive impact on this world. I hope I have a neutral impact at least.
A famous politician passed away overnight, and it appears it was a heart attack. I have never agreed with his politics but at one time felt he was an honorable person. Then it appeared that he changed in that keeping power was more important than doing what he felt was best. He acted quite out of character in a harmful way. It brought back flashbacks to my coworker who passed away in much the same way. She left work on Tuesday fine and passed away Thursday night. She was only a year older than me. Unlike the politician, those who worked with her remember her loud laugh, positive attitude, and how she was helpful. Both probably felt they had more time. Both had no idea that day would be their last, but when it is your time, it is your time.
Things happen, and sometimes quite suddenly. So now I am focusing on how to do and leave the most good in the world. Sometimes I fail miserably in the moment at this, but for however long I have left, I will continue to strive to have that be the mantra I live by.
