“breathe, keep breathing…”
i am drowning in my own despair, aching for something or perhaps someone to become.
the sun has long since set and the blue stars are turning yellow as the tide rises to steal what little air i have left. i swim as fast as i can, but where exactly am i supposed to go? the cold slowly seeps into my bones and the water grows heavier around me, swallowing me whole.
oh God, forgive me for saying this, but i think i’ll just drown.
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for a moment, it is peaceful down here. there is no noise inside my head, no endless procession of thoughts keeping me awake, no quiet ache reminding me of all the things i have lost and all the things i have yet to become. there is only blue stretching endlessly in every direction and the peculiar comfort of being somewhere no one can reach me. ten seconds pass, and i find myself curling into a sphere, my arms bandaged around my knees, making myself as small as i can. i float there, suspended in the void of the ocean with nothing to hold on to but myself. for once, i am glad that i do not have to pretend that i know where i am going.
two minutes pass, and time has consumed my body. i have become one with the water, and i think i no longer feel the need to breathe again. although there is an unbearable heaviness in my chest but perhaps the saddest part is how familiar it feels. i have grown so accustomed to suffocating that even the pain feels like something i have always known, like an old sorrow that has lived inside me for so long that i can no longer remember who i was before it arrived.
now, my skin has turned blue, and i wonder how much longer it will take before i reach the bottom of this sea.
i think i’ll just close my eyes now and let the blue swallow what is left of me until i finally reach the bottom and kiss the ground where the world can no longer touch me, where all the noises fades into a soft hum and i am nothing but a forgotten thing beneath the sea.
oh how i wish the world were always this quiet.
