By Jim Norrena
CAST OF CHARACTERS (race undetermined)
DR. MILLER, a mid-30s psychologist
BOB & ROB, two middle-aged men
SETTING
A psychologist’s private-practice office.
PRODUCTION NOTES
Any urban city. Present time. Intended for black-box theater with minimal props or staging.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I wish to thank Playwrights’ Center of San Francisco for producing this play. In particular, I’d like to acknowledge playwright Jennifer Roberts for being the impetus for this inspiring semiannual event for playwrights, actors, directors, and producers who dream of seeing their work live on stage.
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An office.
Two chairs placed together serve as a couch that faces a desk.
A single chair is positioned behind the desk.
Dr. Miller SITS at the desk.
DR. MILLER (exhausted)
No, no — not a chance. (Beat) Because it was all so … wretched. Yes, I said wretched. Another chance? Girl, you’re crazier than my patients! What? No — it’s not like I’m in a session, so I can say whatever I like … and what I’m telling you, is that the second my next clients leave, I’m gonna fire up GetHitched.com and delete my account. (beat) Jesus, speaking of which, if these new clients are as boring as my last ones, I might just as well log in during session and let them think I’m taking notes! I’m serious; it’s like there’s an epidemic of whiny do-gooders who have nothing better to do than to try to find a problem in their perfect little worlds just to fit in. (beat) No, I’m not talking about you — believe me, I would tell you — and then I’d charge you!
Dr. Miller LAUGHS at her own joke.
A KNOCK at the door.
DR. MILLER
Ah, shit — I gotta go. Yeah. I’ll call you after. Uh, huh. Okay. Drinks? Sure. I’ll meet you there.
Dr. Miller TURNS OFF her phone, STANDS, and PLACES the phone in her pocket.
She FLUFFS her hair and quickly WIPES her teeth.
Another KNOCK at the door.
DR. MILLER
I’ll be right there. (Under her breath) Jesus Christ. New patients. God forbid they don’t get all 50 minutes!
Dr. Miller OPENS the door.
Two middle-aged men dressed alike ENTER.
DR. MILLER (semi-patronizing tone)
Welcome. I’m Dr. Miller. I’m so glad to meet you. Which of
you is Robert?
ROB
Uh, it’s Rob … and this is my partner, Bob.
Bob NUDGES Rob.
BOB
You know I don’t like the word “partner.”
ROB
Boyfriend. I’m sorry, honey.
DR. MILLER (enthusiastically)
Well, if that’s the worst of your problems, right?
ROB / BOB (simultaneously)
Right!
DR. MILLER (puzzled)
Well, Okay then. Shall we get started, Rob … Bob?
Dr. Miller DIRECTS the men to SIT on the couch, while she RETURNS to her seat.
DR. MILLER (cont.)
So. What brings you both here today?
Bob and Rob LOOK at each other, then back at Dr. Miller.
BOB
You don’t see it?
DR. MILLER
See what, Rob?
BOB
He’s Rob. I’m Bob.
DR. MILLER
Oh, I’m sorry — it’s just you both seem … you seem so —
ROB
Exactly! That’s the problem.
Rob and Bob LOOK at one another then back at Dr. Miller.
ROB (cont.)
We’re what’s called “bookend boyfriends.”
BOB
That’s right; we’re bookend boyfriends.
DR. MILLER (surprised)
Oh, of course! I see it now. Yes. Yes, indeed. (beat) And is being a … what did you call it — bookend boyfriends — something you both want to change?
ROB / BOB
Yes.
DR. MILLER
And can you tell me — in your own words — why you wish to change?
BOB
It’s become incredibly stressful, you know? People see us and they instantly know what a great relationship we have. It’s like we wear it on our sleeves.
DR. MILLER
I’m sorry. I’m having difficulty framing the issue. Are you saying you don’t want people to know you’re in a healthful relationship? That seems so —
ROB (to Bob)
See? She doesn’t understand.
BOB
Let me try to explain: We love our relationship, and we want our friends and family to celebrate it, but sometimes it just seems like we’re becoming the same person — you know, like we’re just one person, not two.
DR. MILLER (perturbed)
Well, you know, there are many people who would love to be in your shoes. Single men and women — gay and straight — who haven’t found the right person … and who struggle with dating —
ROB
That’s not really / the point.
BOB
Sweetie, just wait. (to Dr. Miller) I’m sure this must seem, oh, kind of odd —
DR. MILLER
I would say nontraditional / if anything.
BOB
Okay, nontraditional — but neither one of us wants to lose
himself.
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ROB
No — neither one of us.
BOB
And yet the more in love we are, the more alike we become. Even our families have difficulty telling us apart.
DR. MILLER
That sounds like it’s more your families’ problem —
ROB
Have you ever lost yourself in another person?
DR. MILLER
My personal life is not relevant here, Bob.
ROB
I’m Rob! (to Bob) See?
DR. MILLER
I’m sorry — the question must have distracted me. Of course you’re Rob.
She LOOKS at Bob.
DR. MILLER (cont.)
And you’re Bob. It’s clearer than either of you imagine. But let’s step back and ask ourselves what differentiation might look like, shall we?
ROB
I’d like for you to answer my question, if that’s all right.
BOB
Sweetie … we agreed, remember?
DR. MILLER
Okay. Fine. I’ll answer your question: I cannot say that I’ve ever lost myself in the affection of another individual to such a degree that I questioned my own identity.
BOB
We’re not questioning our identities.
ROB
We’re not questioning our identities.
DR. MILLER
No?
BOB / ROB
No!
DR. MILLER
Let’s try this from another angle: What goal does therapy represent for you? (pause) You do have a goal, do you not?
BOB
I guess … well, it would be great if people could get beyond our happiness and see us as two separate individuals.
DR. MILLER
As opposed to …
ROB / ROB
A perfect couple.
DR. MILLER
I see. (beat) Do you often speak in unison?
Bob and Rob both NOD.
DR. MILLER
Well, I’m going to be honest: it’s a little off-putting.
Bob and Rob LOOK at each other and NOD in unison.
DR. MILLER (cont.)
Perhaps if, say, when you’re together in public … at a dinner or other social gathering, you establish some kind of visual cue for who is going to respond when a question is asked of you. Does that make sense?
BOB
Yes.
ROB
I think so.
DR. MILLER
No, no, no. You’re both doing it again. When I ask you a question, try visually checking in with one another to assign one person permission to answer the question. Doing so will ensure the recipient of your exchange identifies each of you separately.
BOB
You mean take turns?
DR. MILLER
Yes, so to speak. Conversation is all about ebb and flow and measuring when it’s okay to respond — or stay quiet. What I’m detecting here is that you’ve both forgotten how to converse socially … the resulting effect is … people perceive your shared response as a single-source response — even though you’re clearly two persons.
BOB
So one of us should never speak?
DR. MILLER
No, that’s not what I’m saying. Try to allow for individualization. You can achieve this goal by being more attentive of when you speak and when Bob speaks.
BOB
I’m Bob!
DR. MILLER (shouting)
Well, how the Hell can anyone tell!? Jesus Christ! I’m looking right at both of you and I can’t tell who’s who.
ROB
There’s no reason to yell at Bob!
DR. MILLER
No?! Well, why can’t he tell me that? Just look at yourselves!
Bob and Rob LOOK at one another.
DR. MILLER (cont.)
You talk alike; you dress alike; you speak alike —
BOB
Why are you getting so upset, Dr. Miller?
DR. MILLER (regaining composure)
Listen. I’m just pointing out that if you want to regain separate identities, you both need to try to separate yourselves from the idea of being one couple instead of two individuals.
BOB
You’ve never been in love, have you?
ROB
It’s so obvious.
DR. MILLER
Whether I’ve been in love is not why we’re here, now is it? Now if I’m going to help you —
Rob TURNS to Bob.
ROB
She hasn’t.
DR. MILLER
Okay, that’s it. Get out.
BOB / ROB (incredulously)
Who?
DR. MILLER
BOTH OF YOU!! YOU’RE PERMANENTLY ATTACHED TO EACH OTHER — BODY, MIND, AND SOUL! I CAN’T HELP YOU. I DON’T THINK ANYONE CAN! JUST GET OUT!!
BOB and ROB LOOK at each other, STAND, and EXIT in unison.
Dr. Miller PACES the floor. She TAKES OUT her cell phone and DIALS.
DR. MILLER
Hi, have I reached the billing department for GetHitched.com? My user name? It’s H-E-A-D underscore D-O-C the numeral four L-O-V-E. Yes, “Head doc for love” is correct. (Pause) I’d like to renew my membership.
END PLAY
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See images of the rehearsal and production process:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/bardbuster/albums/72177720322919900/
