MAY ( THE MOVE)
So, I moved.
I no longer live in NJ.
I no longer live anywhere.
I know people think you move back in with your parents, then you move back into your old room and just kinda fall back into your world.
My world is not like that. I don’t think people understand how I felt at home.
I always kinda felt like I didn’t belong, Im not my stepfather’s child. And though I know he loves me and I know that he would fight for my like Im his, there is this feeling I’ve always carried like I didn’t belong. Even now, being in the house… it’s just not home. If that makes any sense, so it takes some getting used to..
It’s not bad… and I am grateful . .. I’m just processing.
Because now, I have no choice.
I am also faced with the fact that I have been sick for so long that all of this has been necessary. I think my mother is really concerned, sometimes she just looks at me or asks me certain questions but then stops the conversation. And I know she’s thinking something she won’t share. LOL She’s a nurse, she sees more than I see in the simplest of moments.
My mother doesn’t do too much emotion or talking to me. Sometimes I just tell her.. Im concerned, this is difficult for me, I’m scared. I know that we won’t talk about it but I tell so that she knows. She hears me but then she blows me off as thinking too much. I know why she does it.. Im her child and she knows, I take things to heart so she can’t indulge me too much.
But still this is my reality.
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The flip side of this is that
I am glad to be gone from NJ.
I wanted to leave my apartment. I wanted to leave NJ. I needed to just regroup.
I got in touch with an old classmate I hadn’t seen since 1996 LOL
Currently she is unemployed and even though that sucks, she has been my support through all of this because she keeps me laughing.
And she has the management skills to help my get my business off the ground , filling in all the gaps that I couldn’t do for myself, and she is so serious about helping me and she’s just the combination I need to be effective. And she works with me and my broken lungs.. She doesn’t just let me spout out new ideas she stops me and says create a plan now..and then we’ll do it next week LOL
I can focus on my business because I am at home all day and I don’t have to worry about balancing a day job with my own work.
I’ve actually been prepared for this season in my life because I can do all my work from home,
So, I’ve climbed out of my pity party and Im now being productive, even with my limitations.
Now, that I don’t have to worry about NJ in part… I can move forward.
I am moving forward.
I have a few left over emotions, that I will be working through.
But, even as I processing I see that I am being carried. I understand even more so, My God shall supply all of your needs..
I have everything I need and somethings I want, even if its not the way I want.
And I am grateful.
