The Karpman Drama Triangle, a daily trap!
This article is a translation of an article I wrote in March 2021 for the Phare Rose blog.
Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle? No? Well, that’s perfect because I want to talk about it. Proposed by Stephen Karpman in 1968, the Karpman Drama Triangle is a trap that we all fall into, whether in our personal or professional lives.
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So… the Karpman Drama Triangle is, as its name suggests, a triangle in which each corner represents a natural posture, often unconscious, that doesn’t help foster constructive exchanges… quite the opposite. There are thus three postures:
- The Persecutor, who attacks, criticizes, devalues, blames, etc.
- The Victim, who pities themselves for what they’re experiencing from the Persecutor or in general
- The Rescuer, who intervenes in the face of the Persecutor and comes to the aid of the Victim.
Just because it’s a triangle doesn’t necessarily mean there have to be three people involved. Two is enough. And it’s possible to have more, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. Moreover, the Persecutor isn’t necessarily a person. It can be a concept like society, the media, the weather… anything that can lead us to complain or can push us to play the role of Victim. In this case, if a Rescuer intervenes, both they and the Victim are in the triangle.
If there’s no Persecutor, is there no problem?
At first glance, if there’s no Persecutor involved, we might think it’s a good thing to come to someone’s aid when they need it. What we need to understand is that the Rescuer comes to the aid of the Victim without having any explicit desire to be helped. Of course, we’re putting aside any situation of real danger where we wouldn’t hesitate to intervene. To make it clearer, let me give you an example from a book I’ve read. It’s a workplace discussion where I’ll display changes in postures.
The conversation is a bit caricatured, but it helps to understand why we shouldn’t get caught up in the Victim’s game, even to help. Moreover, we see in this exchange that Albert may not even be present, and it wouldn’t change the content of the discussion. Of course, these discussions don’t always end in conflict. However, entering the triangle always generates emotionally charged, futile, and often conflicting discussions. Another observation is that once in this infernal triangle, it’s difficult to get out of it. It’s a bit like the game of musical chairs, except there’s always enough chairs to sit until one of the actors is exhausted or there’s a conflict.
Why do we communicate in this way?
Here are the reasons that push us to take one of the positions:
- The Savior intervenes because it allows them to feel important, or at least to be present in the discussion. By doing so, he prevents the Victim from being autonomous with their problems.
- The Victim just wants to get attention, without taking into account their own responsibilities.
- The Persecutor is often a former Victim who may have multiple different reasons for acting in this way.
We could wonder why we have these reflexes, if these postures are automatic. From what I have seen, they are rather acquired. A crying baby is not in a Victim position. The baby is just expressing his need with the means at his disposal. Later on, he will copy adults, his parents in particular, and absorb everything he is told and everything he sees. We must realize that these postures are ubiquitous in our society. In every story we read, every movie, every series, and even every cartoon we watch! Imagine a story where there would be no Persecutor, no Victim, and no Savior… There would be no story to tell, ultimately!
How to lose these reflexes?
There are different ways to go about it. One would be to be accompanied by a coach, for example. Another approach that I really like is to self-coach. To do this, I will try to formalize the different steps that seem relevant to me:
To help, here are two/three easy symptoms to observe. When a discussion becomes tense, the speakers begin to speak louder and/or become defensive. Similarly, if negative emotions are felt and/or expressed, it may be a symptom of the Karpman Drama Triangle. Generally, it is interesting to work on these emotions. How to accept and listen to them, rather than just enduring them. An emotion is just a messenger trying to deliver information. It’s a fascinating subject to explore, but we are getting a little off-topic. The important thing is that most speakers will be delighted to continue the conversation in a peaceful manner. A simple piece of advice would be to continue the conversation with a solution/resolution-oriented mindset. And if that doesn’t seem possible, why not take a step back and exit the discussion? You can always come back to the topic later if it is important.
How to get out of the triangle?
Our main posture can give us personal clues. Here are a few:
- For a Persecutor, learning to assert their needs, for example through Nonviolent Communication, can be of great help.
- For someone who naturally finds themselves in a Victim posture, being more aware of their responsibilities and seeking to solve their problems on their own can help.
- On the contrary, for a more Savior profile, it is possible to continue to show interest, to be benevolent, while being careful not to always try to solve other people’s problems, especially when an explicit request for help has not been made.
I mentioned Nonviolent Communication, which can help us all. It is also possible to look into Toltec Agreements, to start meditating if you haven’t already, etc. There are infinite possibilities. Moreover, to go further around the Karpman Drama Triangle, it is possible to find out about Transactional Analysis. Finally, I want to say that it can take time to change, that it’s okay not to avoid all these little pitfalls of everyday life, that step by step it becomes easier to become aware of them when they arise, and that every time we consciously avoid one, it’s a small personal victory!
Sources:
- L’analyse transactionnelle, une méthode révolutionnaire pour bien se connaître et mieux communiquer, de René de Lassus, Nouvelles Editions Marabout, 2013
- https://bloculus.com/jeux-psychologiques-persecuteur-victime-sauveur/, de Maxence Walbrou
- Et tout le monde s’en fout #17 — Le pouvoir -, 2017, https://youtu.be/kF1_qecmP4Y
- Image de Freepik
