𝗔 𝗟𝗮𝘄𝘆𝗲𝗿’𝘀 “𝗻𝗼𝗻-𝗟𝗮𝘄𝘆𝗲𝗿𝗹𝘆” 𝗥𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗻 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗽𝘀

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘶𝘱𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘪𝘵

When I say I’m a family lawyer, people often assume I’m a divorce lawyer.

I clarify that I’m a family wealth lawyer; I work with families to discover and steward human, intellectual, social and spiritual wealth, and protect financial wealth, now, and across generations.

I did dabble in divorce law years ago, but quickly realised I lack the temperament and calling that good divorce lawyers have.

That said, I do advise on prenuptial agreements alongside a specialist divorce lawyer, in my family wealth advisory work.

Also called “prenups”, these are written agreements made before marriage, on how assets are handled if the marriage breaks down.

𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗽 𝗔𝗺𝗯𝗶𝘃𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲

Despite my work with prenups, I’ve been ambivalent about them.

Wealth advisor Coventry Edwards-Pitt nails the cause of my ambivalence: they often harm the very thing they’re meant to protect.

This is especially true if someone from a multigenerational wealth family is involved.

In her superb book “Engaged Healthy, Wealthy & Wise”, she shares that a prenup’s damage to a marriage is less from its terms, but more in how they are often forcibly introduced by parents or advisors.

This intrusiveness erodes a couple’s sense of agency, equality and unity.

One partner feels treated like a child under parental control; the other, distrusted or excluded.

How does one choose between loyalty to one’s family or spouse?

Apart from forcing legalism into a relational, sacred commitment, prenups risk eroding the ingredients of a successful marriage: trust, love and respect.

𝗔 𝗕𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗪𝗮𝘆

In my search for a better way, Scott Peppet’s paper “How to Design a Family Prenup Process That Works” has been revelatory (thanks to my mentor Christian Stewart for cuing me in on it).

Peppet sees prenups not as legal shields but as tools for honest, even healing, conversations; on fairness, values and the role of wealth in marriage.

For him, a prenup begins not with lawyers but with dialogue, guided by a coach, counsellor or elder.

He thinks a prenup should protect a family’s social, human, intellectual and spiritual wealth, not just financial wealth (see “Family Wealth” by James E. Hughes, Jr.).

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As Hughes notes, a family’s true wealth includes not only financial capital, but also:

• intellectual capital (its collective knowledge)

• human capital (each member’s health, identity and well-being)

• social capital (its connections and trustworthiness)

• spiritual capital (its moral and spiritual health and higher purpose).

Financial resources should serve these other forms of capital — not the other way around. An overwhelming focus on financial wealth erodes the other forms.

Money is a tool to nurture the family’s learning, connection, external relationships, values, well-being, and mutual love, not its ultimate goal. Prenups should reflect this.

So, one of the key aims of doing the prenup is for a couple to discuss their fears, goals, and beliefs about money, to form a shared philosophy on wealth.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Learning about your own and your partner’s “money scripts” (see Dr. Brad Klontz’s work) may be very useful.

If handled this way — with curiosity, respect, transparency and empathy — a prenup may even strengthen a marriage rather than harm it.

𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝗘𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴!

Despite how sound Peppet’s ideas and principles are, I still urge caution to anyone considering or introducing prenups, as Peppet himself does.

Putting the above principles and concepts into practice to develop a relationship-centred prenup is hard.

Once lawyers get involved, they tend to take control and prioritise protecting the legal and financial interests of their client.

Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

This risks running roughshod over the pro-relationship principles and concepts, and brings in the standard, adversarial approach.

It’s not a criticism of lawyers; it’s just how we’ve been trained.

While more divorce lawyers now take a therapeutic justice approach (i.e. to heal, not harm), not all do.

Couples must be intentional and hands-on in managing the process.

They must be firm in picking lawyers who will take a collaborative approach, not a combative one.

Don’t underestimate how tricky doing all of this is — but know that getting it right is essential for the marriage’s health and harmony.

If wealth is meant to serve love, not the other way around, as it should be, then a prenup should too.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Its true purpose is not to guard assets, but to guard the spirit of the relationship — the mutual understanding that money will always be a servant of the marriage, never its master.