Dear Destiny
They say destiny laughs at man’s plans. Today, more than ever, it seems that this destiny, malevolent and sadistic, is mocking me right at my face.
Two years. Two heart-rending, enervating years. All for what? Nothing? Sure, I had my shortcomings and I made my mistakes. But then, I’m sure everyone who gives these wretched engineering entrances makes some. Why were the consequences of my mistakes so far-reaching while those of other’s mistakes not? Why did I do to deserve being diagnosed with cervical pain while the others perhaps got away with only so much as a few backlogs of Physics?
I remember the day the date of JEE Mains 1 was announced. What followed was nights of rigorous study, extensive planning and whatnot. I gave it my 100% effort. But my percentile? Oh well, it was a lot less. A percentile I am confident I could have easily got without any coaching and mock tests. And yet, it was there, mocking me. When I regained by composure and geared myself for the next attempt, nothing changed. Exam after exam, I told myself that the next one will be better. And yet, they only got worse.
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Why, oh destiny, why?
I can’t even being to count all those days and nights I have spent crying in my room, regretting the mere decision of pursuing engineering, weeping and lamenting over my results. I hate feeling so helpless, so utterly pathetic and questioning my intelligence time and again. Never before in my life have I felt this ashamed and demeaned in facing my relatives and friends. But the hard truth is, nobody will give a damn about my set of conditions. They will not care about the fact that a week before JEE Mains, I was still getting physiotherapy or that sitting for three hours in an examination is as much a challenge for my back as it is for my mind to solve the questions presented before me. I know, that at the end of the day, those empty numbers on my marksheets are going to be a reflection of me. And despite all this suffering, this overpowering agony; the circumstances don’t change. And nor do the results. So what am I even wasting my time on?
What hurt more was the fact that even those classmates who had perhaps put in lesser efforts and had always scored less than me had fared better. But that wasn’t the worst part. What tormented me was the knowledge that I have the potential to do so much better. But for some reason, I couldn’t.
Nevertheless, I don’t particularly mind this mocking. I can bear with it; ignoring all the disappointed faces, the pitiful smiles, the concoction of feelings that are eating me up from the inside. Over the past two years, I have learnt very well to hide my tears and put on a mask of indifference. But the truth is, I am not indifferent. I care, I care too much. While my pretense may seem convincing in the short run, I cannot continue like this for long. I may have grit and resilience but they are not perennial. By and by, they might extinguish from within me. And when that happens, when my spirit has lost itself, I don’t know what I will be.
So, dear destiny, I think you have had your fun. Please don’t go about crushing my dreams and annulling my drudgery anymore. I need some success to hold on to. Something that allows me to hope. And until then, I will keep asking myself, “How many had their dreams realized, how many their hopes belied?”
