Fox and Wolf : Smoke
~Ellen
It’s amazing how much this smoke freaking sucks. I’m in Seattle right now, and the air quality index is a solid UNHEALTHY bordering on VERY UNHEALTHY, as https://www.airnow.gov/ informs me.
I dashed into the lobby a half hour earlier to retrieve some packages, and the second I stepped foot outside my apartment door, I could smell the smoke in the air. It was even worse in the mailroom near the lobby. When I got back to my apartment, I slammed the door and nearly threw up.
Yeah, my lungs are not a fan of the weather, and neither is the rest of my body. This entire week has felt like one giant malaise. Yuck.
It’s amazing though, just how built I am for this time period. And just how terrified I am to lean into those advantages. On my Twitter, I’ve talked about how there are rare times where (stable) DID feels like having a super-power. Quarantining is less of an issue when you have five other people to talk to.
For the first few months of the pandemic, which also came a few months after my DID was finally stable, I was hesitant to engage in anything multiplicity (the state of being more than one person) related when it came to myself. I had finally reached a point of stability, a point where all of us could exist without the dissociative barriers that usually characterize the condition. It was like putting on glasses, and it was wonderful. I was so scared that if I even dipped my toes back into multiplicity that it would all fall apart.
That change after I moved out of my ex’s house. Living alone during a pandemic, sucks. Though I do have a life partner who I see regularly, there are some weeks in which I cannot stand going to sleep alone. And that’s where the DID as a superpower comes in. It turns out that all the emotional burdens of the pandemic, such as keeping up a career while the world falls apart around you, the spoon drain of pretty much every little thing, and the isolation are a lot more manageable when split between the five of us.
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But it does make me worry, very much, about the long term impacts of this pandemic particularly on marginalized individuals. There have been numerous scientific studies throughout the years that have shown the impacts of isolation, and they’re really not that good. And although this is a different type of isolation, I have regularly seen on my Twitter feed and in my social circles the toll its taking on people’s mental health.
And that’s without even touching the election year, that’s just the pandemic and the fire.
The thing with smoke is that it gets everywhere. You can try to keep it out, but it will get in, somehow. It will find its way, whether through a window you thought you closed all the way or when you finally happen to open the door. It seeps in, and it gets in your lungs. It’s a fitting metaphor for a lot of things, and particularly for the societal cynicism that seems to be enveloping us all. It is a hard time right now, for a lot of people.
Personally, I struggle with the desire to protect the ones I care about, and the helplessness I feel with so many external circumstances. I was originally what’s known as a protector alter, which is exactly what it says on the tin. My role back when we were unstable was to protect, to shield, to keep from harm. And while I’m much more than that singular character trait today, it is still a large portion of who I am.
And as the world burns around us and my country descends further and further into a dangerous and violent future, it frustrates me that so many things are just too big for me to tackle on my own. The dangers to those I care about are more intrusive and personal than ever, but also so gigantic and unassailable, particularly during this pandemic, that it produces a feeling of frustration and futility unlike any I’ve ever known. The giant is at the door, but doesn’t even pay attention to me as I bat at one of its toes.
I don’t think there’s anything I can do besides keep fighting the good fight, keep protesting, keep being there for people, and keeping my flame lit and held high for however long I’m able to. But as the winter rolls around, I have to wonder that question again.
If I’m getting through this intact partially because a lifetime of trauma and recovery from trauma has shaped me into someone who can crash and burn in the first few months, and then build a roadmap to make it through ten years of this, what is this doing to everyone else? What will the long term impacts on society be? On my friends, family, and loved ones? What does recovery from the likes of this look like, and what does a society, and a world, that has been through this look like?
I don’t know, there’s too much smoke and I’m too tired.
Fox and Wolf is an experiential journaling and blogging experience by Alexandria Christina Leal and company (The Unity System). This entry was written by one of our alters, Ellen Anders. Other entries can be navigated to via our Notion page. Normally, we give speeches, but during 2020 we decided to do something different and this blog was the result. Interested in learning more about our speeches and consulting? Visit https://www.binaryvixen.online/ on the world wide web!
