The Pleasure That Keeps Me From You
A Meditation on Desire and Seeking
God, You know this child of Yours.
You know where I stand.
You know where I need to go.
You know the places in me that are confused, divided, and still learning how to walk toward You.
There is so much in this life.
So much joy.
So much sorrow.
So much pleasure.
And just as much pain.
Everywhere I look, there is something to indulge in. Something to chase. Something to want. The mind has no limit to what it can imagine, and once it tastes pleasure, it clings to it. It identifies with it. It begins to attract it.
Desire forms quietly — then powerfully.
What I dwell on grows.
What I crave moves toward me.
And I wonder, Lord — why did You make us this way?
Why does the heart desire to possess?
Why do we long to keep for ourselves what was never meant to be owned?
What part of human nature reaches for pleasure more quickly than it reaches for You?
Oh Lord of Hosts.
Father of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Father Almighty.
I write these words partly as prayer, partly as confession, and partly as a record — in case another wandering soul reads them and recognizes themselves.
Tell me, Lord, how does one pass through the narrow opening that leads to You?
How does one slip through the eye of the needle when so burdened by attachment?
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My mind is tired.
Tired of chasing.
Tired of wanting.
Tired of feeding the body and entertaining the senses.
And yet — I know myself.
If something exciting appears, I will still reach for it.
Why am I like this, Father?
Why do I seek stimulation more eagerly than stillness?
I say I am seeking You.
But so often I am only seeking pleasure —
pleasure for my body,
pleasure for my mind,
pleasure for my ego.
And perhaps this is why I cannot find You.
Not because You are hidden —
but because I am distracted.
Not because You are distant —
but because I am divided.
Teach me to desire You more than I desire what fades.
Teach me to release what I cling to.
Teach me to want You — not just the feelings I mistake for You.
Until my seeking becomes simple.
And my heart becomes light enough
to pass through.
Amen.
