My Ex is Crazy! Co-Parenting With a Conflict-Driven Individual

It’s not uncommon for the word “Narcissist” or “Borderline” to be thrown around these days as labels for a “crazy ex.” While we’re not qualified to make those designations or to label anyone with a personality disorder, we’ll be using the term “Conflict-Driven Individual” to help navigate your post-divorce life with someone who may not be the easiest team player with whom to co-parent.

Even puffins have trouble co-parenting sometimes

What characterizes someone as a Conflict-Driven Individual?

There’s a big difference between a Conflict-Driven Individual and someone who is not budging on a negotiation. Conflict-Driven Individuals can be characterized as folks who

• Often exhibit all-or-nothing thinking (very black/white; no room for other possibilities); people are “all good” or “all bad”, “winners” or “losers”
• Show extreme emotions and behavior, often reactively and combined with threats
• See themselves as the victim, or blames others for their behaviors; cannot see their own contributions
• Bully, blame, harass, spread rumors, or confront others
• Defensive, quick to jump to conclusions

Those who are simply disagreeing with you are often not conflict-driven. They will approach conversations rationally, neutrally, and without defensiveness. They aren’t reactive. They think through solutions and come with their own set of ideas. They may or may not have a “win-win” mindset, but they will most likely not belittle you, throw darts, or call you names when you start to express your opinion or preference on a topic.

3 Steps To Removing the Toxicity From Your Blended Family

When you or your partner realize that you are dealing with a conflict-driven individual outside of your blended family, a light bulb goes off, and suddenly, you’re seeing things through a new lens. What was once just “the way my ex behaves” suddenly becomes something you can simply no longer tolerate.

However, the conflict-driven individual doesn’t know that you’ve adopted a new mindset shift, and this can be incredibly rattling from their perspective.

Think about when you’ve had a relationship with someone, and for whatever reason, their behavior suddenly changes. It could have been when your elementary school teacher suddenly turned from sweet Mrs. Owen to tough Mrs. Owen, or when your favorite uncle lets you down for your monthly ice cream date. In your adult life, it could be when your boss changes deadlines on you, or your best friend gets into a new relationship and suddenly doesn’t have as much time for you. No matter what the situation is, you can relate: it’s tough to get re-grounded when people pull the rug out from under you (i.e., change their behaviors) because you’re used to — and expecting them to — behave the way they’ve always behaved.

So put yourself in the shoes of your ex-partner as you go through the next few steps, with a little compassion for the fact that their interaction with you will suddenly turn foreign, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable — but trust us when we say that this is one of the most difficult, yet most beneficial, steps you can take towards a happier, healthier blended family life.

Step 1: Discover Your Boundaries

If you’ve historically been the person who’s “easy going” or “so adaptable”, this may come as a shock: these character traits, while great in some spaces, may also be detrimental when you’re trying to work with a conflict-driven individual. You’ll really need to take some time to figure out what you are comfortable with as it relates to co-parenting. Do you think that 150 texts a day from your ex is over the top or reasonable? Do you enjoy seeing your ex’s posts on social media with your kids and their new blended family on the other side, or does it make you feel wretched? Do you tolerate being bullied, harassed, or manipulated “for the sake of the kids”, or do you take a stand and show your kids, by example, that bullying, harassment, and manipulative behavior are not okay?

The Blend Rebels course specifically talks about how to determine your boundaries, and how you can effectively enforce them with others in your life. This part is not easy, nor is it comfortable, but it is a necessary part of recrafting your blended family into one that’s healthy, enjoyable, and loving. Boundary setting shows respect for yourself, and healthy assertiveness to others.

Step 2: Communicate Your Boundaries

Gah! The worst part of dealing with your ex is often needing to communicate with them. I’ve had clients who will do ANYTHING (and I mean ANYTHING!) possible to avoid talking to their ex. (Someone I know bought a boat and sailed away to avoid having a conversation about whether or not the kids should do virtual school or hybrid school during the COVID pandemic. No joke.) It’s not easy, especially if you have a history of constantly getting into arguments, fighting, or experiencing conflict in this space.

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Communicating your boundaries doesn’t need to be a monumental, excruciating event. It can be as simple as sending an email or a text message that’s one sentence:

• I will no longer respond to texts about this topic.
• No, I am not comfortable with that idea.
• I feel inferior when you belittle me in front of the kids.
• I would prefer to stay on topic.

An example of a boundary that’s both firm and kind: “I will no longer respond to texts about this topic. Thank you.”

As a former “easy going” doormat who didn’t feel she deserved respect, making the shift into healthy boundary setting was agonizingly difficult. I had falsely learned through my childhood that in order to be accepted or respected, I had to let people walk all over me.

At Blend Rebels, we have a track for recovering pleasers like myself, with tactical strategies like setting a deadline for when you will communicate your first boundary to your conflict-driven co-parent, followed by immediately setting aside some time for yourself to decompress and incorporate some self care. You can learn more about our tangible, concrete steps to better boundary-setting with your ex by signing up for our free course.

Step 3: Be Consistent and Compassionate

As you “detox” your way out of being an easygoing, along-for-the-ride co-parent and evolve into an assertive, kind, but boundaried co-parent, the conflict-driven individual will be thrown off course and will grasp for any way to make things “normal” again. Reactive name-calling, threats (often unsubstantiated), putting the kids in the middle, manipulating (i.e., “Calm down, it was just a joke!” or “Don’t you think you’re being a little too sensitive?”) — are all ways that conflict-driven individuals may react — and it will be so tempting to go back to the way things were.

If you want things to improve, you cannot go back to the way things were.

Remember, this is as new for them as it is for you. It’s likely that your ex is not intentionally violating your boundaries. They just need some onboarding time to get used to the new limitations you’ve chosen to implement.

As with anything else in life, consistency is key. Here are some ways to keep your boundaries top of mind as you work to be consistent in reinforcing them with others:

• Write down your boundaries and post them somewhere you’ll see them.
• Have a close, trusted person hold you accountable to the boundaries you have set for yourself and others.
• Remind yourself that you’re in charge of your happiness. You are the boss, and you should act like it!
• Practice using strong, action words instead of passive words (maybe, possibly, sometimes) in everyday conversations, written and verbal.
• Repeat boundary affirmations to yourself daily.

Practice asserting your boundaries using these practical steps.

Final Thoughts: Take the High Road (but this doesn’t mean be a doormat… or a jerk)

Taking the high road amid insults, threats, and manipulative behavior is tough work. It’s important to keep reminding yourself that you’re only in control of yourself and what you’re legally entitled to for your children. And it’s also important to not take the bait; it’d be so easy to sling back insults, threats, and manipulative behaviors. But this doesn’t help you or your blended family in the long run. Setting boundaries, being firm, and keeping kindness at the forefront is such a difficult cacophony of skills that many people don’t learn in their lifetimes, but YOU have a chance today to start making progress towards this critical mindset-shift.

Whether you have a conflict-driven ex or not, healthy boundaries are not only a necessary part of co-parenting, but a crucial part of creating a healthy, new, empowering space for your blended family.

About Blend Rebels

Blend Rebels teaches you how to have happy, productive, and well-adjusted blended families in an organized, bite-sized way that isn’t overwhelming — that you can take in at your own pace. You’ll learn how to have healthy, partnered conversations, create or recreate a blended family (whether you’re 1 or 10 years in) that suits your needs, find ways to have a positive influence on your children and stepchildren, and stop reacting to your ex while shedding the baggage of your past. Get more information here.

Originally published at https://www.blendrebels.com on August 27, 2020.