Performative Attraction
Delusional closeted gay girl and the fight for her life
Aug 26, 2026
On my way to work, I was reminiscing about going to the movies with my friend, Daphne. Specifically, back in the day, we saw Bohemian Rhapsody starring Rami Malik. I didn’t care about the movie, like I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to see it at all. But our friends loved Queen, so we went as a group.
I know Queen songs; who doesn’t, but my introduction to Queen was Vocal Adrenaline (Jonathan Groff) singing it at Regionals in Season 2 of Glee. So I wasn’t a major fan, sorry.
That left me with few avenues to talk about the movie. Everyone else was excited about it; I just wanted to hang out with my friends. In my awkwardness, I tried a conversation I thought would land well with my straight best friend:
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“Rami Malik is hot, right?” Cue her looking at me with disgust.
“Ew, no, he’s not attractive.” Cue me being confused.
I thought straight women found him attractive. There was a Tumblr post about Rami Malik in Night at the Museum, and people found him attractive. Right? He’s attractive, right?
To be honest, I was confused at my straight friend not finding him attractive. Granted, straight people aren’t all the same; everyone has different attractions. Blah blah blah. But in my somewhat deluded and closeted gay self, straight girl attraction was universal.
Daphne was my main line into the straight world. She was a horny straight teenage girl who was a little boy crazy. I knew who were the correct men to find attractive through her. I was embarrassed I failed the straight girl test.
It wasn’t even that I thought Daphne knew I was gay; I was embarrassed because I wasn’t performing being straight well. Oh god, she thinks I’m not only attracted to men (yuck), but also I’m attracted to weird men? Dammit!!!
Which is mental gymnastics only a closeted gay girl can go through. I’m holding space for my previous delusions.
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She gave me a guidebook to mask my homosexuality. I knew the right answers; yeah, Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love is the hottest a man has ever been. Logan from Veronica Mars is an asshole, and that’s hot. Robert Buckley… is Robert Buckley, hot and lovable.
me cosplaying straight (and not well might I add)
I knew how to talk girl talk; it didn’t matter that I wanted to lift a girl in the Dirty Dancing pose like Gosling does to Emma Stone. Or seeing Aly Michalka walk out in a Playboy bunny costume in season 3 of IZombie did irreparable damage to me as a seventeen-year-old (thank god). None of that mattered.
What mattered was: I was safe in the closet. I didn’t have to approach myself, and I could hide behind the straight women around me.
It’s been close to ten years since that conversation about Rami Malik. I realize now I was performing heterosexuality. I didn’t find these men attractive. I knew that, but I didn’t want to let go of how safe it was to be straight. So, like a jester, I performed what I thought was the right way to be straight. I danced for myself and for the approval of those around me.
Really, that moment with Daphne caused me to really think about why I was saying all that. I didn’t find him attractive! I was having a hard time finding any man attractive! God, I wanted to be Logan from Veronica Mars; I wanted to get beat up and have Veronica swoon over me!
It’s taken years to figure that all out. The answer was there all along, but damn, it’s hard to get out of your head to see all the pieces.
I have no conclusions about this, other than Jesus, I’m a dunce. That was my commuting thoughts, strange as they are. I think I’m avoiding something ahead, so I’m taking a look at what’s behind. I don’t know.
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