You, Co-dependency and Relationships
Written by Emily Ndewere
Edited by Nathalia
Disclaimer: Calm Mind Initiatives is a peer-run digital publication. Content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice.
The Importance of Understanding Co-Dependency
It is important to discuss co-dependency especially as teenagers or young adults because it is in this stage of life that many people experience their first relationship and it is also when friendships become more intimate. Relationships and friendships at this stage have an element of intensity and novelty that may lead to an inability to “recognize unhealthy dynamics” and may have a lasting effect on how they are formed, maintained and interpreted throughout the rest of one’s life (Soares, 2025).
Co-dependency and enmeshment have been used interchangeably as a result of having similar characteristics, however as Bacon and Conway (2022) point out it is important to understand the difference in order to develop and implement effective interventions for co-dependency and enmeshment.
The Development of Co-Dependency as a Concept
Co-dependency was derived from the work of Horney in the USA during the 1940s who described a “morbid dependence” that was typically associated with the spouses of alcoholics (Bacon & Conway, 2023). Horney outlined the characteristics of morbid dependence as being “a drive for total surrender”, a “longing to find unity through merging with a partner”, and a “drive to lose oneself” (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
The concept grew and became more popular in the 1960s-1970s with the rise of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). During this era co-dependency was presented as a psychological disorder which was associated with people who were in close relationships with alcoholics. These people were suggested to be enablers, “co-alcoholics”, or “co-dependents” (Bacon & Conway, 2023). This meant that one partner is addicted to the substance while the other was “addicted” to their substance dependent partner (Co-Dependency | Mental Health America, 2024).
In the 1970s, family models began to inform understandings of co-dependency. Other models such as Structural, Bowenian, Psychoanalytic and Attachment models highlighted that early formative experiences were influential in shaping problematic relational patterns such as co-dependence in adult life (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
From the 1980s onwards co-dependency began to spread in clinical and popular spaces. This led to the development of three dominant models of codependency (Bacon & Conway, 2023). The disease model stated co-dependency as a mental illness and offered diagnosis and treatment. The personality model was focused on identifying personality factors or traits that made one vulnerable to developing codependency. The interactionist model focused on co-dependency as the result of both interpersonal and intrapersonal factors and how those factors contributed to the development as well as the continuance of co-dependency (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
There is currently no universal or concrete definition of co-dependency, however four factors have remained constant in the varied definitions. External focusing, self-sacrifice, interpersonal conflict and control as well as emotional constraint.
Characteristics of Co-Cependency
External Focusing
The external focusing factor is very similar to something most people have come to understand as “people-pleasing”. It is what happens when someone lacks or ignores a clear sense of one’s own interests, goals, emotions and identity apart from a relationship. This can manifest in abandoning hobbies, passions, or ideas that do not fit with one’s perception of what their partner wants (Team, 2026).
Self-sacrifice
The self-sacrifice factor refers to the tendency of a person who is co-dependent to excessively prioritise the needs of others over their own. While compromise is necessary in any healthy relationship, the ‘self-sacrifice’ associated with co-dependence is often from the perspective that it is vital to keep the relationship or person secure and leads to poorer well-being (Team, 2026).
Interpersonal conflict and control
It’s important to remember that the underlying goal that drives co-dependent behaviours is the desire to keep a relationship stable. This results in control being either surrendered (which may reflect or lead to a lack of trust in one’s own judgement) or control being seized (in hopes of managing one’s own anxiety regarding the relationship). One may wish to avoid conflicts by relinquishing their control or their desires and follow the desires of their partner. In this way rejection can be avoided and they are able to keep the peace in their relationship (Team, 2026).
Emotional Constraint
This refers to the tendency to avoid setting boundaries, inability to say “no”, or inability to express your own interests or preferences with the other person in the relationship. It is possible that this may be reframed in the mind as being “accomodating” or “compromise”, but in a healthy relationship one should be able to give and take. A codependent dynamic may breed feelings such as resentment and can lead to silencing and distance from your authentic self (Team, 2026).
Real life examples
Participants in a study conducted by Soares (2025) yielded examples of what co-dependency can look like in everyday scenarios. Participants described co-dependency as:
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● “An unhealthy amount of needing the other person in a relationship, friendship, etc.”
● “Needing someone (the specific person) around you 24/7”
● “Feeling like you rely on another person instead of feeling self sufficient”
● “Suppressing oneself to fit their partner’s expectations”
● Being unable to enjoy time with others without their partner present
● Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries due to emotional manipulation or guilt
● Struggling to claim time for oneself as their partner would interpret this as rejection
Fear
Codependent relationships are built on and thrive on fear. Particularly fears of rejections and abandonment. Heavily relying on someone to make one feel “whole and acceptable” or relying on someone for emotional validation leads to the fear of losing that person because it could also mean losing oneself (Soares, 2025). Because of this fear, one may stay in a relationship even when they realise that the relationship dynamic is unhealthy.
Aftermath and Consequences of Co-Dependency
The study conducted by Soares (2025) outlined the effects of co-dependency such as anxiety, depression, emotional numbness, low self-esteem, and a weak sense of self. Co-dependency can also lead to feelings of resentment towards your partner or friend as well as feeling “trapped”.
Being in a co-dependent relationship or friendship also leaves one vulnerable to violence because of issues surrounding boundaries and a tendency to allow abusive behaviour in order to maintain the relationship.
Participants in Soares’s (2025) study outlined some strategies for overcoming the effects of co-dependency, however it is important to note that they proposed these strategies for when one leaves the codependent relationship:
● Intentional healing and deconstructing habits that allowed codependency to thrive in your relationship
● Spending time alone
● Self reflection
● Reconnecting with who they are outside of the relationship
● Understanding that love does not equal attachment
● Understanding that boundaries and self-respect are essential for healthy intimacy
