Go beyond advice: the surprising way to see yourself clearly
We’ve all been there: you’re working on a project, pouring your heart and soul into it.
But as you near the finish line, self-doubt creeps in. “Is this good enough?” “What if they don’t like it?” “Am I really cut out for this?”
These thoughts can be paralyzing, right?
This is a classic way imposter syndrome can play out… that sneaky little voice that makes you question your worth and capabilities.
I talk about imposter syndrome (which should really be called imposter thoughts) a lot, because so many people have told me they’ve struggled with it, and I certainly have, too.
We are often our harshest critics, magnifying our flaws and downplaying our strengths.
And a distorted view messes us up. It makes it hard to see what’s really going on.
Without useful, actionable, and VALID feedback from others, our internal narrative goes unchallenged, and that negative self-talk becomes our reality.
We can get stuck in a loop of self-doubt, unable to see the potential that others see in us.
I’ve struggled with these kinds of self-critical thoughts my whole life, but they really started having a raging party in my head when I started grad school.
A lot of people in my family had earned degrees, but only one of my cousins had an advanced degree.
And while I’d been able to whip out essays an hour before they were due in my B.A. program, that was NOT going to fly in my graduate program.
I was in a seriously spiraling cycle of self-criticism and comparisonitis.
I felt like a country bumpkin who had absolutely no business whatsoever having the conversations I was having- I was a dummy who grew up poor, and who did I think I was to walk these hallowed halls, anyway?
I couldn’t shake the feeling that my work wasn’t good enough.
Projects were harder. I’d get super nervous before giving 10 minute presentations, which as a former teacher, were basically nothing compared to the public speaking I’d done every day for years.
I remember doing a lot of crying during this time.
There were several amazing professors in my program, but one in particular was just so outstanding. We’ll call her Judy.
She was warm.
She had a great sense of humor.
Her classes were empathetic, interesting, relevant, and challenging.
And she was a rigorous thinker who held her students’ feet to the fire. We loved her for it.
During this time, I had a death in my family and was really struggling.
It wasn’t easy to open myself up to potential criticism, but I knew I needed an outside perspective.
During an office hours session with Judy, I started to cry. Before I knew it, I was confessing all these insecurities to her, along with what felt like WAY too much personal information about my background.
And she shared with me some feedback that I’ll never forget.
She told me that she had a very similar background, along with a death that had happened in her family in an eerily similar way.
She had struggled with these same insecurities, especially as a woman in higher education in the ‘70’s, when she was going to grad school.
She said that she still had these kinds of thoughts, even as a seasoned, respected, and influential professional and chair of the department for many years.
And then she said that I was one of the hardest working and most intelligent and interesting people she’d had come through the program.
She gave me specific examples that were valid.
She didn’t blow smoke up my ass.
She was honest.
And throughout my career there, she was a very trusted sounding board for me, who would also tell me when I could produce better results, how I could improve the rigor of my thinking, and how to shape my research effectively.
A few semesters later, when a different professor had to leave 2 weeks into the semester for personal reasons, I volunteered to take over the class, and Judy wholeheartedly advocated for me.
I ended up instructing that class for the entire semester, which was an incredible learning experience for me (and hopefully for my students, too).
Her feedback not only boosted my confidence, but also provided a clearer view of my capabilities and areas for growth.
Her insights were incredibly valuable, emphasizing how my strengths and experience brought a fresh perspective to the department.
This feedback helped me recognize my contributions and own my identity as a grad student with more confidence.
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You might have tried to outsmart these thoughts and this kind of uncertainty by:
- Working harder
- Trying to create perfection
- Avoiding situations where your abilities could be scrutinized
And maybe you’ve:
- Read self-help books
- Attended workshops
- Tried affirmations (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people LIKE me!”)
But here’s the problem: you’re still simply creating your own echo chamber, and then spinning around in it like a little kid at a VERY candy-fueled and amped up birthday party. (We’ve all been to those- no good comes of that scene…)
And while these methods can be great, they don’t have one critical element: external perspective.
Trying to get perspective by yourself sometimes just reinforces our biases instead of challenging them.
The real magic happens when we ask for and listen to feedback from others.
Feedback:
- Provides an external perspective that can help us see ourselves more clearly
- Can offer constructive insights into areas where we can improve
- Can highlight our strengths that we might overlook
- Can help us feel not so alone or freakishly broken
Think of feedback as a mirror- when you only look from your own perspective, it’s like being caught in a funhouse mirror room- everywhere you look, you’ve got arms that are 4 feet long and your face looks like Nelson from the Simpsons.
But feedback from the right person can really straighten that mirror out, so that you won’t be seeing things exactly the way they ARE, (because of bias, perception, filters, what is “reality” anyway?…etc.) but you’ll be getting a much clearer picture.
I’m not saying this to make you doubt yourself, but to help you understand how…
…the right feedback from
…the right person at
…the right time
…can literally change your life.
But most importantly, feedback creates a culture of openness and trust.
When you actively ask for feedback, it signals to others that you value their opinions and are committed to personal and professional growth.
This can inspire others to do the same, creating a supportive environment where everyone feels stoked to improve and succeed.
Reach out to colleagues, mentors, or friends whose opinions you value and trust.
Choose people who will provide honest and constructive feedback, whose opinion you value, and who seem to have growth mindsets.
I can’t stress enough the importance of picking people who will give you RELEVANT and VALID feedback.
Be specific about what you want to know. For example, ask for feedback on a particular project or skill, rather than a general evaluation.
Approach feedback with an open mind.
Listen carefully to what is being said, and notice if you feel the urge to be defensive- this will give you valuable feedback, too.
The goal is to gather information that can help you grow.
After receiving feedback, take time to reflect on it. A lot of people don’t do this, and they miss a real golden opportunity.
Reflection brings wisdom, and wisdom will give you actionable steps you can take to improve and apply the feedback in your work or personal life.
And THANK THEM! Don’t let it fade away- follow up and let them know how their insights have helped you.
Remember, feedback isn’t just a tool, it’s a gift.
When you get this right, you can gain a clearer, more balanced view of yourself, overcome self-doubt, and unlock your full potential.
Use feedback as a valuable tool for growth and watch how it transforms your self-perception and confidence.
Experiencing seeing yourself through the eyes of others is truly powerful and can be very motivating.
Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.
Cassa Grant is an executive coach and facilitator based in Nelson, New Zealand. She works with leaders navigating career transitions, identity changes, and the practical realities of managing people well. She publishes The Better Leadership Blueprint on LinkedIn and is the director of Chalkbox, a New Zealand workplace skills training company.
