everything, nothing.
You meant everything to me, while I meant nothing to you.
To this soul with unconsumed love and desperate longing to connect with people, you let me be me while we shred all the barriers that let us be apart.
A smile, a laugh, a genuine interest in things we both spoke about were quite enough to understand the fact that we were on the same radar but with different wavelengths.
’Cause I ain’t that delusional to expect people to be just like me.
The conversations we had, the silence we let the space take while we drifted in our own minds’ landscape, felt so refreshing and an insanely humane thing I felt after a long time.
But somewhere between the lines, a strange thought lurked in like a parasite.
It’s so good to be true. All of this. This love, connection.
Giving the illusion that I was living in a dream constructed to put myself in there and convince myself that this was all real.
Maybe it was me overthinking, questioning the very sanest thing I’ve done by my insane mind.
I wanted to believe it was all false, and fortunately, every time I let you in a little in my realm, it felt like a fresh breath of air I needed to live.
Making me push away all these thoughts from my mind, letting myself stay on the ground.
As the days went by, the air soon turned into a breeze I was totally unfamiliar with. The air that let me live was now sending chills down my spine with every inhale.
The spring our conversations promised unraveled itself, revealing a desolate winter that bore the most isolating and depressing notes in the air along with the bare trees.
There was no one around, but I thought you would be there for we’ve been through the days and nights uncounted. Made us be who we truly were when the world let us down.
Just the thought warmed me, despite the excruciating cold breeze.
But you were nowhere to be found.
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You’ve let me down, taking away all the trust while you left without even a goodbye.
Dropping the fragile ice of mine on the rough ground, while running to your people, leaving me here all alone.
For I’ve bored you enough. I could see that when you didn’t even turn around.
Not even one small glance. Not one.
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that you meant so much to me — everything — while I amounted to nothing to you. Not even worth the dust that stayed on your shoulder.
I held on to a mirror that reflected you, but yours reflected a landscape that was devoid of me.
I was a fool. A fool to have trusted you enough that it hurts to look at you again. ’Cause even now, I see the reflection of me in you. But the mirror broke the moment it all started.
When the first encounter happened. I was indeed delusional, believing that at least this would be real in a trance of illusions of dreams.
But damn, even this was a dream I trapped myself with for the desperate longing for love and connection.
Now I’m wandering around this world of winter, with the snow warming my soul, and the fire burning my mind.
I’m indeed searching for the love I threw out, but with a scar that reminds me of the past. You.
Now, I’m accepting the fact that winter jasmines bloom even when the heavy snowflakes weigh them down.
The memory of us will still haunt me, but I’ll let you go, one snowflake at a time.
[Oofff, sighs]
I’ve emptied my soul now, pouring out all the unsaid words here with a bleeding pen.
But if I have to sum all of this up in just one line, here you go:
You were everybody to me, while I was a nobody to you.
❤
