Modern Relationships
How to Get a Girlfriend That’s Not Based on a Checklist
Because a girlfriend is not some prize you win or earn.
Have you ever been drawn to a woman you didn’t have the courage to approach?
You admire her from afar, letting the moment slip away because you’re scared she’ll reject you. The reality is that you don’t know which approach will work or if she will even give you the time of day.
Then, nothing happens. Life goes on.
Sometimes it can be a lack of courage or confidence. But it could also be that you don’t know what to do because you’ve never been shown how it works.
Most advice on how to get a girlfriend reads like a weird manual with instructions on what to say, what to wear, etc. So maybe a blueprint exists, but that doesn’t always mean it’s foolproof.
Understanding What Attraction Is Based On
Researchers have spent years studying what makes people feel attracted to one another. Research on the reciprocity of liking suggests that people are more likely to feel attracted to someone who clearly expresses interest in them. The idea is simple:
People often warm up to people who seem to warm up to them.
When you’re genuinely curious about someone, like when you ask them questions because you really want to know the answers, they are more likely to respond positively. It’s the kind of attention that doesn’t feel like a performance, and people often notice the difference.
In other words, if you’re trying to figure out how to get a girlfriend, one of the most effective things you can do is show authentic interest and pay attention to whether that interest is being returned.
Where to Actually Meet People
If your routine is limited to your office and at home, then it’s going to be increasingly difficult to meet new people. You need to show up more. Here are some suggestions:
- Join a recurring in-person group activity or event. It can be run clubs, hiking collectives, or casual sports leagues. They make for a natural setting where conversations can happen without the pressure of a formal date.
- Take a skill-based class. Try cooking, pottery, or a language you’ve always wanted to learn. Just make sure you’re there to actually learn, so you might as well pick something you’re already interested in.
- Volunteer for a cause you genuinely care about. This is a good way to meet people who share your values.
- Become a regular somewhere. Is there a coffee shop you frequent? A bookstore or a community park? The more familiar you become in one place, the more you’ll feel comfortable approaching someone or when someone approaches you.
Conversation Starters with a Girl You Can Use
That first moment is always hard. When you see someone interesting, your brain tends to go blank. Keep in mind, however, that some of the best conversation starters are more observational.
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Notice your surroundings. It could be the book that she’s reading or the event you’re both attending. You can start by asking a genuine question.
If you’re familiar with the author she’s reading, something like, “I’ve read Murakami’s other book called Kafka on the Shore and it’s one of my favorites. How’s that one going so far?” Take note that it’s best to do this when she’s taking a break from reading.
Or if she’s just people watching while enjoying her coffee, you can ask her if she visits the place often and what type of coffee would she recommend.
The Green Lights to Watch For
One of the clearest signs she likes you is when she keeps the conversation going. She asks follow-up questions, laughs at something you said, or asks about your favorite coffee shop or type of coffee.
She may also hold eye contact a bit longer than necessary. When someone genuinely likes you, they just make it easy to keep talking. Trust what you’re seeing when it happens.
How to Get a Girlfriend as Someone Worth Knowing
The kind of partner you attract usually reflects the life you’re already leading. If you’re waiting for someone to complete you, it will show. Work on building the life you want first. That way you feel more confident and comfortable when meeting new people.
Your life should feel full on its own.
When you’re engaged in your own world, whether it’s your work, hobbies, or growth, you naturally become someone others want to be around. That’s the real answer to how to get a girlfriend.
References
Montoya, R. Matthew, and Chester A. Insko. 2007. “Toward a more complete understanding of the reciprocity of liking effect.” European Journal of Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.431.
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