upside-down smiley face
a short story of confusion, missed opportunities, and heartache
Friday night, you sent me a text, but I didn’t read it. I only read the little symbol you had next to it — a yellow circle, smiley face flipped upside down. I couldn’t get a good look at it, since the lights in the bathroom of the gas station were dim, and I worried the counter would break if I sat on it too long.
Was it an apology that you sent? I hoped so, but I assumed not. You have nothing to say “sorry” for. You have dreamed of me and held me. You have given me flowers and handwritten notes, the kind where I cannot make out any of the lettering. It’s all swirly and cursive, poetic words I had to get you to read for me.
It takes me back to that night by the pool, shimmering blue waters amidst a navy night. You asked me how my life was, and I told you, although I thought you already knew. But you left that night, still in the dark, my toes still dipped in the water. The lights seemed a little bit darker already.
Was it an insult that you sent? I figured it was a jab at my heart, a critique of my love. Even considering it stung, a hornet to my eye, my poor, already blurry eyes. It burned, ached, yearned for something of the past, something that was already well lost, something I couldn’t find now.
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You had found it, though, I knew you had. You remembered everything. That’s what I always loved about you. You collected photographs and receipts, letters and illustrations, but, most of all, you gathered memories, storing them in that little hidden jar within your soul.
Now, I wonder if I ever knew you at all or if I just knew the idea of you, the perfect version of you that said all the right things. I recognized the version of you that made sense in my mind. Now, though, you speak in an undecipherable tongue, you laugh at pain, you melt with a smile on your face. Tell me, why are you burning in the first place? Is it because of me?
I regret that night at the pool. I regret not telling you everything. Surely you know that I miss you, because, truly, I do. Always. I miss you, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t understand what that stupid upside-down smiley face emoji you sent meant. I’ve been so out of touch recently, and now, I don’t even know what’s right side up anymore. I don’t think I ever knew it in the first place.
Just tell me what it means, because I don’t want it to be over, not this soon. I didn’t respond that Friday night, and I don’t want to now either. I have not slept for what seems like years, and my eyes are still foggy, still wet with tears. However, I just want to wake up. Wake me up. Wake me up. Wake me up.
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