Anaheim
‘Cause I’m lost, but not in you.
It felt like being trapped in a stuffy and dark cave before that hand, without hesitation, guided me out. At that moment, a feeling of gratitude emerged.
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If I could I’d freeze this moment, make it my home. You’re all I want to want to know. It isn’t a lost spark phase, I don’t know why creating a new comfortable home feels like something I can’t afford. This feels like it’s not me, I have lost my way.
I’m grateful to have you, who with all your gentleness and affection, makes my life full of color and meaning — but I’m stuck. That past useless memory keeps spinning around.
I am still teaching my mind to always put you first, just like you always do. I learn and remember everything about you so I don’t want to hurt you. I feel I must repay you for everything you have given me. Once again, I reflect on my actions — this seems wrong.
What kind of relationship am I having with you? It remains confusing — I don’t understand why my feelings and thoughts are not aligned. Did I accept you only because I felt indebted and didn’t want you to be disappointed in me, as I have mentioned? If this is indeed the answer, then I am a villain who should not be held close by you.
I have never dared to ask you to always be with me, because I’m not sure I can make you stay. I don’t want you to see me as a criminal — but I cannot escape. Once you try to unearth this soul, I swear you’ll hate what you find. But baby, I’m so sorry. Every step with you always feels strange and keeps making me lost — but not in you. ‘Cause you’re just not him.
— ca’s
