Before
Come with me to reminisce about the bad memories that I shouldn’t unwrap.
I fell so deeply without any certainty about our relationship and it just ended like that. Now, I’m trying to change the direction of my feelings and let go of all my memories of the past.
You were all I’d ever known
And now I’m supposed to love you from a distance
Sit with my laptop facing me. Our chat room is something that I always check. I’m not mad at all even if the answer that you give will be in the next hour, the next day, or the next week. I don’t know how busy you are out there.
And talk about your cool new friend
Who I never met, who you dated as soon as I left
We had basic conversations when our timing was right. I talked about my bittersweet day and so do you. I cherish this moment. But, for some time, I realized that you always included “that” new name when telling your wonderful day stories.
“She’s my new friend, we’re making friends pas kita satu kelompok when it was my third or fourth day at my new school.”
“She’s that smart, beruntung banget dia mau bantu aku tadi.”
“I went to the cinema with my friends, kayak ada paling sepuluh anak. And she tripped while the popcorn was on her hand, That was so funny cause the popcorn was going everywhere ahahaha!”
Every time that name was mentioned by you, little did you know it hurt me from the start.
Now we’re holding hands as not quite friends
But not quite lovers
It’s been a year since I’ve seen him, and he still loves sharing stories of his new friends with me. But not as often as before, because we also don’t communicate often. And it gave me some strange feeling.
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We’re still holding each other’s hands but it felt strange ‘cause it didn’t feel like friends, lovers, or whatever I should call it.
And you say, “Let’s just see where this goes”
And I don’t know how or why you seem just fine
I ask him cause I haven't felt right since the first time. He answered it like it was just something unimportant, he took that too easy. And I consider it as he let go of his hand in mine like I wasn’t ever gonna leave.
Did anything ever really count
Or was I just a two-year practice round?
It seems like every moment that we had before is such a short-term memory for him. Indeed, we should have never started in the first place, I should not have known him, and the places we have visited should have been destroyed. The words “Udah, just believe in me and everything will be fine.” are just nonsense.
And now I’m feeling stupid, you’re forbidden
They say, “Yeah, we were something”
He’s really with her. She’s the one he always mentions in his daily stories. I finally understand that she’s the girl he always wanted.
It was okay until I knew what the worst part was
That day when I asked him. “Does she know you have me?”
And his answer is, “She doesn’t.”
I don’t know where to go
’Cause I’m looking at you and God knows you’re not mine anymore
It’s so cruel how things will never be the way they were before
I’m still trying to accept ‘cause this is too cruel to be true I guess…
Can I ask her a question maybe with “what it’s like to be given?” But I must’ve been a bad person by asking her that, I won’t. She did nothing wrong.
It’s almost just like how it was before
But it’s not anymore
We’re good now, Me and him. He asked for my apology. but the wound is still scarred.
— ca’s
