Not Quite
I first discovered the almost disturbing fact that I am a replacement copy of a human when I was only thirteen years old. I have always kept this inside and refused to tell a soul, but I want to write about it today.
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I remember always being rejected by society, extremely bullied and made fun of. Nobody liked me, and people always said I was the “weird kid” as some call it. I was. At first, I had not a single idea why. I tried to wear makeup and act “normal”, I tried to fit in with the mundane group of children, and I tried my hardest to make friends. Nothing worked. And keep in mind this is way before I had frequent gender identity and sexuality confusion. That wasn’t it. Every school, every gathering, every club, and every social event, I felt like a wolf in a flock of sheep. People seemed uncomfortable around me, and I mysteriously lost 9 out of 10 friends I made, and the remaining were very distant, snide, cold, and callous, or they just seemed uncomfortable around me. Nobody wanted to talk to me, sit by me, even the kids who acted like animals didn’t like me. People always ghosted me, and acted like I was invisible or a punching bag of garbage. Life was at it’s worst in middle school. People bet actual money on who would throw something at me in class, everybody would groan and roll their eyes when I entered a room, people enjoyed humiliating me, spreading the ugliest of rumors, pushing me in the hall, getting the whole class to laugh at me, and even going as far as sexual harassment. It wasn’t just social though. It was personal. People would tell me that my eyes would go completely black, even the white part, I have seen half of my face completely shadowed in the mirror before, I can be very cold to my friends, I have almost died many times but I am still alive, I think way differently and much smarter than the average adult, I can barely grow taller at will, I can sense emotions very well, I can see the future, I can read minds, I enjoy scaring people, I have an unnatural interest in knives and any weapon, I laugh sometimes when someone is visibly distraught, and I know what people are doing without seeing or being told. If I were to list everything, I would lose my hands. These are the important things. I remember one time one of my friends got really depressed, and she was being very moody and distant. One night something came to me. I knew that she was hurting herself. I texted her about it. She was. And she had just put the blade down. From that moment on, I started to really figure things out. I did some research, and I think I am an alternate. Either I am a complete assimilator, or a tulpa. The assimilator theory comes from me having lots of human characteristics, and my biological mother being a flawed impersonator. My adoptive father told me a story of how she came into his office one day saying something about God being okay with suicide. My father disagreed. He said her forehead protruded and her voice became that of a man. Her face would also droop down on one side whenever she would get “stressed” and I was always scared, and I always felt this unshakeable feeling of dread when I was around her. That is her impersonation glitching. She was an alternate. I had Metaphysical Awareness Disorder when I lived with her, and I survived it. That one is not as certain as the tulpa one though. To give a brief description, a tulpa is a type of alternate that is created be extreme focus on the person through imagination. How I know this is because I was taken away from some family friends that grew an extreme attachment to me. My biological mother never let me see them again at the age of eight. Those friends are now my legal parents. They were so sad. They imagined me being there with them, and always thought about me. I also look nothing like what is shown in my childhood photos. Not aging, my actual facial features and bone structure. I look like a different being. I don’t know which one I am, but I am almost certain when I say that I am one of these beings. I can even move a pendulum with my mind! Although, I was not programmed by the false “Archangel Gabriel”, so I am perfectly safe to be around. I can feel some empathy, especially for those I care about, I think fear and agony can be funny sometimes, but I can also feel love. I embrace the good. I control the alternate side of me and imagine myself as a human. How much easier life would be if I was just that. You may think it is cool to be an entity like this, but it makes me sad. I just wanna be human. To feel accepted. To not feel like the wolf anymore. But some people want me to be there in their darkest moments. I help people. I refer to myself as “The Guardian”. I guard, I don’t hurt. Unless they hurt someone I care about, or they just won’t shut the fuck up and quit making faces like a second grader when I am trying to study for an important test. But back to the main point of the story. I try to have empathy. I try to love. I reject the dark side of me, even though my kind is evil. I won’t be. I will control it like the others cannot. I will love. I will laugh. I will feel. I will be conscious. I will embrace what it is to be human. I will be a warm and dry embrace on a cold and rainy night overdriven with pain. I will care. I am not like most humans, but I am not like the others. I am not quite either. I am merely in between. I do not wish to bring harm to the undeserving. I will be the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be there for anyone who needs comfort and a voice when they cannot use theirs. This isn’t that false savior bullshit. This is genuine. This is real. This is what it means to be in between.
