Opposite Action: Conquering Anxiety and Fear
One of the perks at my new job is the opportunity to meet with an executive coach for 45 minutes every other week to develop my leadership skills. My initial reaction to the offer was uneasiness— how much of my personal life will I be able to share during these sessions? I’ve gone through enough therapy and self-help books to diagnose my own shortcomings and strengths and understand that the roots of my challenges run deep. Would I be able to share these dark secrets with someone to help me grow in a professional setting? Should we bring our whole selves to our professional lives and risk vulnerability to grow wiser and stronger?
This post will the be the first of many in which I delve into issues we address during my new chapter of self-exploration, improvement, and professional development.
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I’ve been struggling with a fear of speaking up ever since I can remember and, despite taking measures to become more confident and assertive, my heart still pounds uncontrollably at the thought of speaking in front of a large group or crowd. On top of having some extremely cringeworthy public speaking horror stories, as a child, I endured a great deal of physical and emotional abuse from authority figures. As a result, I’ve been habituated to stay quiet unless I have something very meaningful or necessary to say, for fear of being reprimanded or humiliated.
The problem is that my threshold for ‘meaningful’ or ‘necessary’ changes depending on the day — whether I’m feeling sad, if I think it’s too stupid of an idea to share, if it’s a thought that’s already been considered before, who’s in the room, whether I have enough research and evidence to back up what I want to say, whether I’m feeling doubtful about myself that day (impostor syndrome), etc... I’ve internalized a lot of the negative, self-destructive rhetoric that’s shaped my perception of who I am over the years and thus, my voice sometimes minimizes into a nearly impossible-to-hear volume.
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A tactic I’ve found useful from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), an evidence based psychotherapy meant to manage painful emotions and decrease conflict in relationships, is opposite action: doing the opposite of an urge, what your entire body is screaming at you to do or not do. This tactic helps to block out the little devils on your shoulder, chattering catastrophic scenarios into your ears, for just enough time for you to a step that orients you in a positive direction. Just tell your conscience to SHUT UP for a second while you do the thing opposite from your urge. Doing this pushes your ball (your momentum) in another direction quickly enough before it snowballs into a ball too big to push into another direction.
To clarify, opposite action only works when your emotions do NOT fit the facts of a current situation. This means that you should NOT stay quiet when someone slams your hand between a car door.
A couple of examples of opposite action towards positivity:
Whenever I have the urge to stay in all day and binge-watch TV shows because I’m down , I yank myself out of bed, force myself to change out of my pajamas, and walk out the door. My mood always improves instantly and I spend my day growing happier, rather than sulking at home and feeling more alone in my misery.
If I find myself worrying about being judged if I ask a question to a group of 20 colleagues and have to urge to stay quiet, I mute my noisy, anxious thoughts for a second and force myself to raise my hand. Despite my rapidly racing heart, taking that first step and raising my hand commits me to the very action I fear, being known. Then, I’m able to collect myself and refocus my attention on my message itself, less distracted by my anxiety about whether I should speak.
Of course, opposite action doesn’t always work and you shouldn’t always ignore your urges (after all your urges are telling you something and you should dig deeper at some point), but used in moderation, this tactic can help you take more actions that lead you to a healthier life.
This is just one of the many tactics you can use to improve your life and your outlook on reality. For more tips and tricks, check out this List of the Most Common Cognitive Distortions.
