Reanimating Joseph Stalin
For shits and giggles we decided to revive Joseph Stalin so he could lead a new Russian revolution and bring back Stalinism. We used reanimating technology built by cutting edge Maoist scientists, in our special lab located in Nepal.
I didn’t actually think reanimating him would work. Turns out Nikola Tesla had developed the technique, but the government seized his papers and kept it secret. But then someone leaked the papers on the Internet. In the meantime I took Russian language courses.
My heart raced and my hands shook, as before my very eyes, this embalmed corpse, surprisingly well preserved, went from death to new life. There were a few ethical considerations, but then I thought to myself:
“What could be ethically problematic about reanimating Joseph Stalin?”
Amazingly, he went from cold and lifeless to warm, his color improved, and he even started breathing again. His heartbeat began to register on the heart monitor. I was utterly awestruck. Then he appeared to be waking up.
“Hi Stalin, I can’t believe we revived you!” I said in my best Russian.
“I got a terrible headache. Terrible. I fell to the ground, unable to move. I was stuck there for hours. I called out for help, but nobody came. I couldn’t get out the words. I don’t remember anything past that,” said Stalin.
“You were poisoned by Beria. He even boasted about it two months later. He claims you were planning on attacking the U.S.”
“What? Disgusting lies. The U.S. has nuclear weapons. He and Khrushchev were lying pigs. Where are they? I am going to have them arrested immediately.”
“They died” I said.
“The people must have found out and arrested them, put them on trial, and sent them before the firing squad, right?”
“Worse. Khrushchev became the leader and gave a speech about you, claiming that you were to blame for all the supposed atrocities of the USSR. They took down your statues. They called it ‘de-Stalinizing.’”
“We need to tell the other members of the Politburo. Were’s Molotov?”
“Can I get you a drink? It gets worse. Come sit down over here.”
“How could it get worse?” Stalin said.
“I’m not sure how to break this to you. But the Soviet Union is gone.”
“What? Where am I? You do speak with an American accent. Am I in an American hospital? Was there a war?”
“Worse,” I said. “You have been dead since 1953. They abandoned your approach to socialism. They stopped rotating members of the government leadership. A new class of elites became corrupt and incompetent. They decided to stop pulling the levers of power and decided to dissolve the USSR and plunder the public assets for themselves to become oligarchs.”
Stalin sat there, frozen. Silent. He didn’t say anything for what felt was an eternity. He looked sick.
“They didn’t fight? They just gave up to steal everything? And nobody had purged them before this happened? Fools. They don’t know their enemies. Without me they couldn’t tell the difference between a kitten and a lion. All that comrades worked for, bled for, and died for, gone. Nothing to show for it. What about Mao?”
“Mao was disgusted by Khrushchev’s actions. There ended up being a split between the two countries.”
“Don’t tell me China is capitalist too.”
“It was close to becoming capitalist. Mao saw the rot and capitalist reactionary forces growing in the Communist Party. He introduced a Cultural Revolution. The students and peasants became engaged in politics, shamed the capitalists and other elites. Party members were sent to the countryside to learn about the lives of the peasants.”
“What about the worst of them, what happened?” Stalin said.
“Mao purged people like Deng Xiaoping and they were rehabilitated. Deng ended up becoming the leader. He introduced Leninist NEP style market reforms, but the state is still socialist. It’s new leader, President Xi, was a student of the Cultural Revolution who spent time in the countryside. He honors you and Mao, and encourages the reading of Marx, Lenin, and Mao.”
“What happened to Mao?”
“He died in 1976 of natural causes. His portrait is still hanging at Tianeman Square. His body is available for observation.”
“What about Lenin? Did they bury him too?”
“No, he’s still there. They buried you secretly at night. Khrushchev ordered it.”
Stalin shook his head.
“I industrialized the Soviet Union, defeated Hitler, developed the atomic bomb for Mother Russia, and made the Soviet Union a superpower, and this is the reward I get?”
“So what is Russia like now? Did the U.S. conquer it? Was there a nuclear war?”
Get Alexander Finnegan’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
“No war. After the USSR was dissolved the oligarchs worked with a guy named Yeltsin, who became the first President of the Russian Federation. It became an American style capitalist system. It fell back into developing nation status. The economy has never recovered. Nor have the economies of the Eastern Bloc nations, which have their independence.”
“Other than China, what other socialist nations exist?”
“Cuba became socialist in 1959 with a guy named Fidel Castro and Che Guevara. Korea ended in a stalemate. The communist North became North Korea. North Korea and Cuba suffered terribly under U.S. sanctions. In North Korea there was a famine that killed millions of people during the 1990’s. But they held on. Cuba suffered, but it survived. Castro lived until 2016. His brother Raul is still in control. They made a few NEP style reforms, but it is going strong, despite the continued economic sanctions.”
“What about Vietnam?” Stalin said, shifting in his chair. “Do you have any cigars?”
I hand him a Cuban cigar and offer him a light.
“Vietnam and Laos are still socialist. Again, more reforms, but they are around.”
“Then there is still hope,” Stalin said.
“You are going to experience some serious culture shock. It isn’t 1953 anymore. It is 2019. The world has changed quite a bit.”
“You mean there are flying cars?” said Stalin.
“No, no flying cars.”
“OK. How about some moon colonies?”
“No, no moon colonies. In fact we went to the moon once and never went back.”
“The USSR?”
“No, the U.S.” I said.
“This is getting worse by the minute,” said Stalin, looking disappointed.
“You get poisoned and the entire world falls apart. So what is different?”
“We have millions and millions of computers connected on networks, that people share photos, videos, and text instantly.”
“How do people have giant room sized computers in their homes?”
“They shrunk them. And people have mobile phones with little screens to send information.”
“Ok. I have to admit I am surprised about the lack of flying cars. If I had survived there would be flying cars.”
“How am I remembered now?”
“The older people and the non elites in Russia adore you. You are more popular than the President of the country, Putin. 60% of the former members of the Soviet Union say they miss it. And every year there is still the Victory Day Parade. You are still honored. But the bourgeois elites in the government try to distance themselves from you.”
“That’s not surprising. I was a great socialist leader.”
“True. But your reputation took a beating by the propagandists.”
“What did they say?” said Stalin.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“I’m Stalin. I dealt with unruly kulaks, Nazis, and Cossacks. I can handle it.”
“They claim that you were a mass murderer that reigned by an iron fist, killing millions of millions of people through forced deportations, the gulag, the Ukrainian famine, the Great Purges, and the Katyn Massacre.”
“What? I was doing what was needed to save us all from Hitler, and to ensure the people in the cities didn’t starve. The Ukrainian famine? I ordered relief efforts for that!”
“I know. But they told lies about Lenin, too. And there were others that came after you that were vilified. They claim Mao killed even more than you.”
“Why don’t you go to the bathroom, get a shower, and we can talk about what to do next.”
“We need to revive communism in Russia,” Stalin said. “That will take funding. Where is the nearest bank?”
And just like that, we revived Joseph Stalin and commenced the revival of the Soviet Union.
