everything start to fall apart, am i okay?
May, 12th 2026
it’s been a week since i lost my own phone. it just broke after it plunged into the bathtub. i bring my phone everywhere, including to the bathroom, by the way, and that’s definitely a bad idea. do not try it at home.
having to adapt to my current condition: no job, no lover, no phone, not enough money to travel, to save, or maybe to invest. i just want to contemplate , when did everything start to fall apart?
i just went through the heartbreak, not long ago. on april 3rd, my favorite member, mark from NCT, decided to leave the group and the company. i couldn’t even imagine that story would happen, but yeah, it happened. and then, one week later, this person, kind of a crush, maybe, but we talked (mostly over chat; we had planned to meet but never did because somehow the timing never worked out for us), suddenly got married. two storms in one month. even my younger self couldn’t believe what would happen that day.
and as if that wasn’t enough, i got another round of bad luck. is it even luck, though? but anyway, my phone broke suddenly on a sunday morning, a week ago, may 3rd. i don’t know what it is with the number 3. i don’t want to say that “3” is a bad number for me, but it just keeps happening like that. 3 biggest incidents. i can’t even cry anymore. i want to. but i just can’t.
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i want to get a new phone, with no money, but with my parents’ support, but suddenly it’s not easy to get a credit loan, again. the timing feels like a bitch. the timing feels like a devil. on top of the credit being hard to get, the phone i want is also hard to find. after the big day, after Eid al-Fitr, it seems like everyone wants to change their phone, so the stock is temporarily gone.
“but are you sad?” if someone asked me that, honestly, i don’t know. deep down, i think i kind of like not having a phone. i’m not really the type to be glued to my phone all day (but instead i’m glued to my laptop, demn, it’s actually the same). but still, i don’t need to see anyone’s messages right now. at this stage of life, i feel like i can slowly pull myself away, and maybe i didn’t even know i needed that. i’m not sure, but it does feel like it’s for the best. i’m not as easily distracted from writing, like right now. or when i’m eating and watching a movie or series. i don’t know, should i celebrate this? the only downside is maybe i can’t capture moments when i feel pretty, or when something just has to be captured , just because.
“and more importantly, are you sad that your crush suddenly got married?”
nah. honestly, this was also one of my prayers. i once prayed to God: “God, please , if he’s the one for me, bring me closer to him. if he’s not, then give him a girlfriend, a spouse, whoever, so i can forget him easily.” then it happened, 3 years later. i made that prayer in 2023, and 2026 is the year it got answered. am i glad? i don’t know. probably.
so, the conclusion is, every incident i thought would destroy me (i am sad, just not at that level, but still sad) honestly isn’t that bad. i do miss having a phone. i do want a stable job. i really do want someone to love. but maybe the timing just isn’t here yet. it’s not my turn to have everything in place. maybe all i can do right now is wait. and have faith. because apparently, everything will be okay. everything will fall into place for me. i do hope so. (please do pray for me)
edited:
13th May, 2026
actually, i lied. i’m not okay.
