A Reflection
TW: s*****e ideation
I want to take a moment to reflect on where I am now and where I have come from.
I am a graduate student in the English master’s program at Radford University, and I have never been so sure of a path in my life. I have never wanted to be somewhere as much as here, and each day gets sweeter and sweeter even amongst the stresses.
I did not always think I would be here, at the ripe age of twenty one about to turn twenty two this month. When I was about fifteen, point blank, I convinced myself that I would not be around after high school. I could not imagine being able to handle the pressures of adult life, and instead of entertaining the idea that it could be more than possible, I resorted to the belief and loose plan that I would simply cease to exist after graduation. Boy, am I really glad that plan never happened.
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Not only did I graduate high school, I graduated college. I survived and prospered through four years of undergrad, and loved it here enough I wanted to stay for more. I am in a master’s program. Simply put, my high school self would not even begin to believe this.
Not only am I doing these academic accomplishments, but this summer I went through my first breakup with the boyfriend I have been dating since I was sixteen. The thought of that in high school was enough to bring on those dark thoughts of contemplating life, but now at twenty one, I did it. I am alive and single, and though I am going through natural waves of the grieving process, I am surviving it.
I did end up getting my driver’s license and my dream car (shoutout to my Honda Fit, Lucy). I have a credit card and pay bills, I work multiple jobs, and I am loving it all (maybe not the bills part). But more importantly, I am managing adulthood. I am making it through each and every day, and even though I do not always know what is going on, that is something you learn as an adult: no one does. We all are moving through each day, taking them as they come, and making it through. That is what is beautiful about being an adult — you do not have to have it all figured out. For the first time in a while, I find myself optimistic about the future and believing that each year that comes will be better than the last.
Right now, I am sitting in the writing center on campus, eating an Uncrustable, feeling peaceful and content and proud of my growth through the last seven years.
If you find yourself having these types of thoughts and wondering if life is worth sticking around for, I will tell you: it is worth it. You belong here, you are loved, and we are all in this together. It does get better, I promise.
