darling, you’re not too hard to love.
“Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love.”
You described me as an orchid.
Delicate. Gentle. Kind. Requiring the perfect conditions and attention to bloom.
I’d taken your words as a compliment, full of synonyms that softened the truth. Though I hadn’t realized it was an explanation for why you couldn’t love me.
If we had met three years ago, those same words leaving your lips, my heart would have ached and torn. I would have asked you: Am I not enough? Was I so fragile? Did I need too much to be loved?
Maybe then, I would set aside my needs and wants, hoping that that would be enough for you to choose me. Care for me. Love me. That if I were to become less, you would have enough to give. And I would have asked for you to try. Because you could fail, fail, fail, but I would still understand. You must know me well. I am too understanding. So, you would be content with giving me a little water, soaked through only the first layer of soil, before you set it aside by the window. That would’ve been enough for me.
But it isn’t now.
Get yiyi’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
I am not who I was three years ago.
I do not want less.
Your words still linger though. Strangely, not because they stung or were wrong. But because they reminded me of someone else.
My mom.
She loves orchids.
There are five of them sitting near the window, full of purples and pinks, flourishing from her gentle care. She observes them every morning, waters them, changes out the soil when they’re tired, and lets them bathe in the sun. Not so different than what you do, but not the same either. And to no one’s surprise, they bloom year after year. You may think five orchids is a lot for someone who barely takes care of one. You might not understand. Why the hassle? But I think she does it out of love. Every single morning.
So perhaps you are right. I’m just like an orchid. Someone who required the perfect conditions and attention to bloom. And I couldn’t force or beg you for what came so naturally from others.
It isn’t because I am so hard to love.
I just needed someone who loves orchids.
