UNPRESIDENTED!
AMERICA GETS THE PUN IT’S BEEN WAITING FOR
“Exhausted word needs a break,” say Dictionary Editors
“I have known the word “Unprecedented” for many years,” said a lexicographer for the Oxford English Dictionary, “and I am concerned it may have PTSD.”
It likely feels hijacked. Yanked from its customary home next to “without prior example or incidence,” Unprecedented has been forced to publicly describe incidents ranging from corruption to child abuse over the course of the Trump administration, to degrees it never had before.
“I used to describe good things too, in my past life,” said Unprecedented, brightening for a moment. “I got called in for scientific breakthroughs and landmark legal cases, and even with disasters, I felt I was doing a noble job. But this past four years has been nothing but dirty work.”
Use of the word in US newspapers was 27 times higher in 2020 than 2015, according to research firm Etymetrics.* “It was round-the-clock work,” said the approximately 260-year-old word.
“Now, I’ve never said anything like this before, but I’m going to be me for a second, and say I’m happy that at least I got back at the bastard who kidnapped me, with my last job at the second impeachment. It doesn’t change anything, but it makes me feel better.”
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“Norms” also took it pretty hard.
“People on the outside never really understood me,” said Norms, who was nursing a limp and several recent fractures. “Some people were actually happy when I’d get broken! How cruel is that?
It’s also stupid, because they’re conflating me with “Normal,” whom I’ve been neighbors with for years; but we do different work. In my professional life, I’m often used to mean “best practices,” but I also do lots of small necessary jobs as “the polite way to do things.”
“What really hurt,” said Norms, “was to see myself replaced by the likes of “rude,” “inept,” and “douche move.”
Norms is familiar with the psychological trauma endured by Unprecedented. “We found ourselves working a lot together,” it said. “We may seem like opposites, but about most things we’re actually on the same page.”
Gently taking its companion’s hand, Norms said, “I may be literally broken, but I’ll be working with a lot of folks on recovery while Unprecedented takes a lighter schedule.”
Said Unprecedented, “I’m just looking forward to getting my old life back.”
Both said their lives will be much better when they and the nation see much less of their onerous colleagues, such as “falsehoods,” “corruption,” “attack,” “deaths,” and “Trump.”
See “Door” A2
*total bullshit
