1/16/22 — the impulse to share
I have the urge to write again.
That hasn’t happened in a while.
For years I’ve put my vulnerable, diary-esque reflections on private and semi-private social media accounts — first Facebook and then Instagram. I liked the feeling of sharing thoughts and ideas with others, of putting words out there, rather than a wholly-private journal, but I also liked the protective security blanket of private accounts limited to select people I knew. I liked that I could somewhat-shield myself from the number of people I was equipping to potentially judge, laugh at, or criticize me.
Since I was young I’ve had the desire to make a blog (lol, me and just a few other people…think I missed my window on the popularity of blogs front — but that’s ok, I can still put my writing out there!) or some type of public personal website for writing reflections. I have sizable regrets for not starting one years ago. I think about all the ways it could have been nice to have that catalogue, and career-wise how it could have potentially opened doors for paid writing / career advancement opportunities, or connected me to others online in meaningful ways. I think about the ways and extent that depression/anxiety, PMS, and burnout have limited what I’ve done and gone after over the years, and it depresses me (I see the irony there) to think about how long and heavy that list would be. But I know that endless mourning and regret toward the past isn’t going to help.
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Even today when I go to make private vulnerable-rant stories, I often have a feeling of ‘don’t do this, this is ‘cringe’, is there a chance you think you want to share all of this but in actuality it’s an un-thought-out impulse that will make you feel more regret than benefit? Does it help you to have the world hear/witness all of your most personal thoughts of struggle, and don’t you deserve some thoughts to yourself? Also, there are cyclical hormonal shifts and their effects on the brain and stress and neurotransmitters and caffeinated-adrenaline that are making you have some of these thoughts, or amplifying them, and so are they even the ~real you? Do you even agree with them or truly feel that way?’ And then, as a result, I often find the feelings of regret and cringing at myself growing as the hours after posting a story go on, which sometimes get strong enough that I end up deleting those stories, or marking them as hidden from certain people.
Lol, all of that over private Instagram stories. The culmination of an urge to publicly express + self awareness + fear of the judgement, mockery, criticism, and rejection of others.
I also am in the school of thought that questions the healthiness and potential negative effects on our wellbeing of being hyper-connected and sharing our intimate thoughts with the world. The whole ‘we evolved in smaller communities of people we knew our whole lives instead of communicating with the whole world’ idea. Additionally, I am critical of the capitalist, personal brand-driven curation of personal sharing and displays of vulnerability online. And, importantly, I don’t believe in the Girlboss take that, in its least nuanced form, nearly says that every thought you have is valid and true, all of your opinions are correct and should be shared, and that when someone upsets you it’s always their fault and it’s their loss for not seeing how awesome you are… lol.
Unlike some, I don’t fully reject every instance of influencer content, and I don’t think that having an ad or the larger concept of a for-profit personal brand attached to an account renders all of the creator’s expressions false or worthless. I think that truth and authentic vulnerability / beneficial take-aways can exist and be derived from some of these creators’ expressions, (although it should alert our critical awareness to be on guard) and in a world where we all have to make money to survive, I have a degree of empathy/understanding for why someone would choose to go the influencer/public-brand route rather than work some miserable, exhausting, physically taxing, underpaid, or inaccessible day job. I don’t think these people are all flat-out evil, and I think holding everyone’s career choices to the most pure of morality tests is shitty in the world we live in. However, all that being said I strive to not contribute to exploitation or primarily profit/marketing-driven creativity when possible.
So I’m not sure what platform routes my writing will take in the future, and how what I talk about will evolve. I still deeply fear criticism. I also fear getting in trouble, not considered, or fired from a potential future job for oversharing on the internet; a concern which sometimes feels silly or overdramatic, but also in many instances has been true for people. However, I’ve never been able to shake the urge to share. I can only hope that my words benefit more than they harm, and if/when they do harm, that I am able to see that / learn that and correct myself. I have an impulse to want to read more in order to expand my knowledge and understanding of theory, improve my analytical writing, and have more helpful takes for better understanding the oppressive designs of our society, because not all takes are good takes…I think of my friends who I view as having the smartest and most accurate analyses and I strive to think and write at their level. Part of me wonders if I should hibernate and not put out writing until I’ve read a lot more. I think there’s value to this, as again not every take is true or good. However, I’ve hibernated myself for so long already. It seems arbitrary and subjective to pick a point where one is sufficiently versed to begin sharing takes. I’m going to do my best as I go along and always strive to improve my comprehension. Hello, public world.
Thanks for reading
