First Dates with the Songs from Queen’s Greatest Hits

Bohemian Rhapsody — Starts the evening perfectly charming, then abruptly excuses themselves to make a phone call that you can hear escalating through the restaurant window. Returns composed, insists upon complicated dish modifications. Halfway through dessert, stares into middle distance for full minute before snapping back with ‘Sorry, where were we?’

Another One Bites The Dust — Cool, controlled energy but there’s something predatory in how they lean back and watch you. Asks pointed questions about your last relationship’s end. Knows your dating history from social media. Smirks when you stumble over answers.

Killer Queen — Orders for you without asking. Knows the sommelier by name at a restaurant they claim to have never visited. Casually mentions their weekend place. Three of their stories end with ‘anyway, they were never found’.

Fat Bottomed Girls — Extremely confident in their type. Won’t stop talking about their ex in weirdly appreciative terms. Suggests you both get dessert, then watches intensely while you eat it. Makes the waiter uncomfortable with a comment about their build.

Bicycle Race — Arrives in full racing gear. Keeps comparing your relationship potential to gear…