ADULTING
Hello Strangers
A long thank you note coupled with existential crisis to those passerby that made a difference
“This terrifying thing is normal. I have learned to let myself be constantly terrified while maintaining a calm façade. I guess I have learned to be calm in my terrifying moments. I’m terrified because I’m not sure if all this effort will materialize into something. Perhaps, like some of my passions, they’re short-lived. I hope they’re not.”
-January 11, 2024, Thursday, 23:24
This semester, I swear to take ownership of my life.
I promised to improve my grades, delve into Python coding, and maintain my writing habits. On the surface, it sounds like a blissful and courageous liberation of myself. But with this promise comes a surge of existential anxiety, dizziness, and loneliness.
I’m truly on my own. This is my life. Mine and mine alone. These thoughts perpetually horrify me. I desire to be rescued from my life. I wish to surrender this liberation.
Get Danya.’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Someone would fall from heaven and tell me exactly how to live. They would pick the right career for me and schedule my entire life. Then I could be mindless. These thoughts wouldn’t be so terrifying anymore.
“You had every intention of being depressed forever, but as it turns out, there’s work to be done, meals to eat, movies to see, errands to run. You meant to be in ruins permanently, your misery a monument, a gash across the cold hard earth, but honestly, who has the time for that?
-Raphael Bob-Waksberg (2019)
But I don’t want to be mindless. I don’t want to stop living.
What I desperately wish is to find a morsel of hope in this uncertain place. I simply crave comfort in the idea that I’m living the right way, whatever right means. I wish to believe that everything will be okay. Like before, I wish some strangers would nudge me to believe that everything will fall into place. I am thirsty for assurance.
I remember a French digital pen pal that I met through an app called Slowly. In one of his letters, he said that someday I would live according to my convictions. I will live according to my terms. He was a stranger to me. Our culture and place are vastly different but he assured me.
I also remember a phone vendor who believed that I could manage to be a working student. Then, there were also two people living in Manila who supported my previous Facebook page. They became one of my first clients as an academic ghostwriter.
“If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it’s almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.”
Before Sunrise(1995)
My life is littered with strangers who gave me hope and courage when no one else did.
In a world that glorifies permanent relationships and celebrates decades of togetherness, I find solace in strangers. I find solace in their attempt to feel my struggles as if they were their own. And I find the conviction to overcome my uncertainty and doubts.
These strangers will never truly understand the intricacies of my life But perhaps, the very act of trying is more than enough. Perhaps, the very futile act of giving a speck of hope in this uncertain world is not so futile after all.
If it makes this world feel less cold and more bright, then it is not a futile act.
