Just Fine…
Your name isn’t mine yet.
That, in a nutshell, is what’s wrong with everything in the world.
That’s what makes my heart ache at night as I wonder when, not if, we’ll be together.
That’s what fills my mind every time I think about the distance between my life and yours.
It’s not something that was meant to be, you and me;
No, we live in different places and have different circles of friends.
But all I know is, whenever we’re together, whenever we have a moment to share stories and laugh and lament what life has thrown our way, it feels like time is standing still.
In fact, if the time in between our visits is like my swimming against the tide,
Then our time together is me floating carelessly, standing still in the middle of the ocean
Causing nary a ripple like time is standing still
I feel like I want to protect you
Make sure the world doesn’t make your heart any more cynical
I want to wipe away all your concerns
Make your heart my personal hard drive, where I can fill it up with beautiful things
Beautiful words
Make you fall in love with life from this day forward
I want a thousand first dates with you like the one we almost had before
With Jill Scott running through her catalog as we hold hands and sing along
I want your heart to sing He Loves Me subconsciously
Want you to shower while humming Golden
Hear my name and think of the ways our relationship is wonderfully made when The Way is played
I want that feeling to be like the one Mary sings about
Like that playful message on your answering machine all those years ago
The message that made me smile against my will
Especially since I wasn’t a fan of that song
But the way you sang it
The way you gave it voice
I couldn’t even remember the message I wanted to leave
I just wanted to smile and let it linger
Just like how I feel when we’re together now, all these years later
I want it to be just like that.
Just Fine.
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Make no mistake. I know you’ve been hurt before
I’ve hurt others
More out of my own stubbornness
Not knowing how to tell them they weren’t the one
Not knowing how to extricate myself from their feelings
Not being mature enough to have the talk
I never felt for them as I do for you
Never wanted to get to know every single thing about them
Never wanted to woo
Like I want, or need, to woo you.
I won’t say I love you. There’ll be time for that
What I’ll say is that I care for you even now, when I probably have no right to
Care what happens to you even from these many miles away
Care about what you’re doing
About what you like
About what you love
About how the world is treating you
I know you’re a grown up
All woman
Beautiful
Strong
And I know you got this.
Really, I just want to have it with you
This life
Add my strength to yours
Share whatever I have to give
Until there’s nothing left
To make memories and laughs and babies
To see you as a doting mom
Sharing stories and braiding hair
Making sure they know love
And God
I can picture that just fine
Picture me loving you even more because of that
Picture me holding you close on those bad days
And to make the rest of them as good as ever
But not now. Soon.
I think, above all else
I can see us together
I can see us arguing and making up
Being true Leos–lashing out, reaching out and then making out
Fiery. Emotional. Committed. Crazy.
I can see all of that
And it’s never blurred vision when I do
That’s something I’ve never been able to see, or say, about anyone else
Something I’ve been afraid to say, or see, until now
And it says everything
That what I fear more than saying and seeing that reality
Is the fear of it never happening
Never being given the chance to happen
And my heart never forgiving me.
I want to make sure you’re just fine. With me. Forever.
And also, cure what’s wrong with the world:
The fact that your name isn’t mine yet.
To be continued…
