Black Dog
A poem about you and me
you used to be small and cute and climb onto my chest, folding knees and paws inward like trying to disappear into me, head tucked into my neck and nose buried deep under my hair, still, a lovely little package, quiet and peaceful
i knew you were mine, i felt the knowingness deep within my bones and the way my heart beat when i held you and the weight of you, and the smell of you, reminding me of soft dirt just after it has been dug over somehow connecting both you and me to the healing land
i had an instant understanding that first time i held you, that you were going to be my teacher, and i your student, and i had to listen very carefully and by helping you grow i would be healing myself,
how did i know all of this in a millisecond? i cannot tell you how, i just did
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i wasn’t looking for a dog, or another pet to care for, in fact, rather the opposite, i was after less responsibility not more, but the universe had other plans and i knew, because i just did, and that was that, it didn't make sense logically but it made perfect soul sense and i listened
you are nearly two years old now, people call you a “medium sized” dog, but in your mind you have never grown and are still less than a kilo as you hurl your 20kg frame onto the bed and sit directly on my chest suffocating my face and trying to squirm your way under my skin still
i love and adore all of you but you have a trauma imprint that i have not been able to break (or heal) yet and i cannot change it and it brings out in me my worst fear but more ugly than that a rage that is as hot as lava and as intense as an eruption possibly matching the level of your fear whenever you see an akubra hat, or a fluro shirt, or anyone comes to visit, and you erupt into a frenzied frothing at the mouth bark and back up struggling to get under my legs, or the chair, or table or anywhere to hide continuing to bark aggressively, with tail tucked so far under your belly its nearly stroking your hairy chin, and yet, although you cower and try to crawl into the belly of the earth, you continue non stop to bark and growl and take no notice at all of my reassurances and platitudes
i think i have tried everything possible even things i am ashamed to say that went against my innate sense of what would be best for you because what do i know, i have let you grow and get to 2 with no change in the behaviour so anything i “sense and feel” is true for you, cannot be right — can it? i doubt myself as a dog parent with you as much as i ever did as a human parent, always second guessing, feeling embarrassed in public settings, judged both by myself and others, and pendulate between empathy, sadness and determination to help you to despair, hopelessness, ineptness and fierce anger when nothing i do calms, and i end up removing you and putting you in my bedroom where you lay on the bed, ears pricked up alert (well only one ear, the kelpie ear, the other ear sticks out sideways like a Labrador) and your front legs are crossed in front of you (another endearing trait) and your golden lion eyes fix on me as i enter the room knowing that we both in that moment are stuck with each other and are not good enough, not by far
so here we are stuck, no solution yet, we have tried Ethan the ex tiger trainer and his vibration collar, we have tried high pitch sound bark collars, we have tried rewarding good behaviours, reassurance, ignoring, punishing with rolled up newspapers, energy code healing, visualising the outcome we want continually — vacillating between different training methods every few weeks confusing ourselves and undoubtedly you, each time starting out with fresh hope and inspiration that we have found the solution, and within a few weeks ending in a heap of tears and frustration with thoughts of euthanasia now cropping up in my head, accompanied by shame and deep self hatred i could even think such a thing but i want friends too — not just you — why can’t you be nice and just relax and be good?
so you are my teacher and i am your student
i know it is about me learning to manage my anger, calm my heart, and release and let go all feelings of caring about what others think, releasing judgment about you “not learning” it is actually not about you at all and your trauma but me healing in myself all my complicated reactions to it, and firstly acknowledging the feelings, then releasing and letting them go like clouds passing above me, and dropping into my heart centre and allowing love for me in all the struggle to flood my being, and love for your flawed perfect life existence that is just as it needs to be for me to heal some deep wounds in me and then maybe, just maybe, you could heal some as well?
