On Disorientation
An open letter to discomfort
“I’m about to delete our conversation” is a writing prompt I typed to help me unravel how stuck I felt after crashing out because he wasn’t in my life anymore. And I’ve stared at it multiple times wondering where is the line between comforting in the past and doing it for the art. Is art a bigger reward than learning to let go something that wasn’t even mine to begin with? What is mine? Am I supposed to have people? Are they supposed to never go? Are they supposed to never die?
I have polished shame in writing about men. I have punished myself for feeling disoriented. I have waved at the ship. I have thought — sometimes I think I’m free.
How can I overcome disorientation if I never allow myself to feel it? To understand it? How can I overcome feeling terribly lost when I’m not chosen if I let myself go when I’m being loved by others? To feel disoriented is to embrace uncertainty. To feel lost is to allow a door with a new lock to be open with. Not being chosen can only be an affront to those who have not chosen themselves first.
“I’m going to replace this fictional scenario where I seek comfort with one that places me in the present” This will require more abilities than I already have and will feel new, but it means the long-term consequences will be more pleasant; after all, who will do this work for me if not me? As cliché as it sounds, and as a teacher of mine once said, “una lloradita y a seguirle”.
I. GUT
The long tube in the body of a person or animal, through which food moves during the process of digesting food.
I think my body was processing more than just food when I tried to explore why was it so uncomfortable to live with what I perceived as danger. I heard you, and from the endless dilemmas, I was able to extract that I resist polarization. I resist polarization, division and fear. And most of the times, it takes a profound wound to be open to resist it. To take a stand against violence.
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For a moment in existence, I felt in my hands the possibility of a responsible tenderness from one who surpasses me in power. For a fleeting moment in my life, I thought you were the reward for enduring an unparalleled pain of 82 years. But there is no such thing as destiny, and coincidences are quite common for people who share similarities within a culture, or several. You are your own person and you don’t belong to me — you have the right to behave as it makes sense to you.
“Me and you have always had a relationship where we could go from feeling down to picking each other up so easily.” 26.10.25
II. REWARD
“Always remember, there is no reward in suffering. There is no reward in crying yourself out for a moment that is not here anymore.”
Symbolisms can serve as a tool to amplify a moment, even a movement. But in situations as uncertain as this, it can fuel narratives that don’t exist. It can make one a little naive. Dates, songs, films, cities, people in those cities, even deaths. These are symbols that, if not handled carefully, can be mistaken for destiny — which, perhaps, is just an escape from the inevitable consequences of conditioned responses.
III. THIS IS JUST A CONDITIONED RESPONSE
Conditioned responses cannot be erased from the face of the earth. However, they can be transformed. Things aren’t forgotten, unless there’s neurological damage; new functional relationships are created with situations that were previously handled differently. Sometimes I wonder, what conditioned responses do I want to keep? Is writing about people who are no longer here one of them? Living or dead? Does it matter?
In this life, there are moments when the best thing we can do for ourselves is to understand that we are a canvas full of brushstrokes, and the goal isn’t to remain unchanged. That time and our plans are not a threat but a space of opportunity. That life can be more than what we have already learned, and preserving aspects of our identity that we cherish is important, so that we can share ourselves without feeling disoriented in an interaction, with the hope of achieving a transformational one. That is what I hope for. Transactions are not my goal.
The question is, are my conditioned responses bringing me closer to transformative interactions?
