I Am
I am not okay
As I careen headfirst into another birthday I wonder,
What did I accomplish in the last year?
Have I done anything worthy of celebration?
Have I hurt anyone I love unintentionally?
Have I hurt anyone unintentionally?
I feel…
Confused
Sad
Broken
Heartbroken
Emboldened
Bold
Scared
I feel like I’m going to lose
Everything
I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings with those of others
Especially those of people I care about deeply
Maybe I’m just projecting
I know I feel
Hurt
I know I feel
Dismissed
That my desire to protect is
Unwanted
Unappreciated
Unneeded, perhaps
And maybe all of these mixed emotions are part of the natural course of things
Of aging
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Of becoming older
Of being old
I have no control over anything besides myself
And some days I feel like I’ve lost all control
So I shut down
I shut up
I decide my words are meaningless
And I am simply
Silent
Silenced
By choice?
By demand?
By unspoken apathy
Or outright anger
Or because I’m simply giving up
Quelling my tears
Hiding my sorrow
Because with each passing year I realize
None of this is how I imagined it
None of this is how I planned it
But I was never really a dreamer
A planner, yes, but dreams were always for others
Tell me your dreams and I’ll do my damnedest to make them come true
Because I know how to plan and make things happen
For others
I will support you
And love you
And fight for you
But never for myself
