The 98th Academy Awards attempted to brand itself around the theme of “Humanity,” but instead delivered a nearly four-hour identity crisis defined by a “crude, rude, and boring” trifecta. The result was a broadcast that felt like a corporate HR seminar interrupted by frat house pranks. Clocking in at 3 hours and 40 minutes, the ceremony struggled to maintain a consistent identity.
1. The Tone-Deaf Opening
Conan O’Brien’s monologue set a cynical stage, joking that as a “biological relic,” he was only hired to provide a “flesh-and-blood veneer” to an AI-driven industry. This irony peaked early when Lynette Howell Taylor delivered an ultra-polished, “magic of cinema” speech so cookie-cutter it felt generated by a prompt for Standard Awards Script #4.
2. Sophomoric Humor: Why the Conan Bits Failed
The writing, led by Conan’s “Old Guard,” felt like a relic of 1990s late-night television that clashed with the prestige of the evening.
- The “Aunt Gladys” Opener: Conan spent the first five minutes in caked-on makeup and a red wig. It failed because it was a niche, “sophomoric” parody that confused the audience rather than welcoming them.
- The “Bum Drum”: Timothée Chalamet drumming on a prosthetic rear end was a “crude” low point that killed any sense of “sacred artistic reverence.”
- The British Pedophile Joke: In a moment cited as the “rudest” of the monologue, Conan noted the lack of UK nominees in major categories before quipping, “A British spokesperson said: ‘Yeah, well, at least we arrest our pedophiles.’” The joke was met with a mix of gasps and uncomfortable silence, further alienating the global audience.
- The Camera Gaff: The night’s lack of professional polish was captured perfectly when Conan referenced Leonardo DiCaprio earlier in the night. As the camera swung to find the actor, a cameraman audibly stumbled and fell, jerking the frame toward the rafters in a disorienting, amateurish blur.
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3. Targeted Rudeness & Corporate Overload
- The “Endless” Bridesmaids Notes: The Bridesmaids cast reunion ground the show to a halt with a bit where they “read personal notes” from nominees. The joke relied on the actresses pretending to be “bad at numbers” — claiming they filmed in 1883 — stretching a two-minute reunion into a quarter-hour slog.
- The DiCaprio “Generic” Insult: Rose Byrne locked eyes with Leo for a long, silent beat before leaning into the mic: “I’m sorry, I’ve been staring at you for ten minutes… I genuinely thought you were someone else.” She then doubled down, telling him he had a “very generic leading man face.”
- The Thong Gag: Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans hijacked the Screenplay awards for a “boring” bit involving a sequined thong — a thinly veiled commercial for Avengers: Doomsday.
4. Structural Decay: The Award No One Needed
- The Best Casting Slog: The debut of the Best Casting category was widely panned as “not needed.” Since One Battle After Another had already won Best Picture, awarding it for Casting felt like corporate “double-dipping.”
- The “Sh#it” Double-Feature: Back-to-back winners Kate Hawley and Mike Hill both blurted out “sh#it” in frustration, adding to the night’s unpolished atmosphere.
- The “Are We On?” Finale: As the teleprompter froze, a hot mic caught Conan whispering, “Are we on? Are we still doing this?” before pivoting with a shaky, “Well, we’re still here. We’ll get through this. I think.”
5. The “In Memoriam” Misstep
Despite being the longest in history, the segment felt “boring and incomplete.”
- Glaring Snubs: Excluding icons like Brigitte Bardot and Dharmendra felt “cold” for a show claiming “Global Unity.”
- The Streisand Struggle: Watching Barbra Streisand struggle through “The Way We Were” was a somber, fragile moment that clashed with the night’s aggressive comedy.
The Verdict
The 98th Oscars failed because it couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. By pairing “script-bot” corporate speeches with “crude” thong gags and an unnecessary new category, the Academy turned a celebration of film into a corporate endurance test. Final Note: In a night full of artificiality, the only moment of blunt honesty came during the Best Supporting Actor presentation. When Sean Penn won for One Battle After Another, presenter Kieran Culkin took the stage to announce that Penn was a no-show. Culkin’s dry, unfiltered delivery perfectly summed up the evening’s lack of cohesion: “Sean Penn couldn’t be here this evening — or didn’t want to — so I’ll be accepting the award on his behalf.” Whether Penn was in Ukraine or simply “didn’t want to be” part of the manufactured nonsense, his absence (and Culkin’s acknowledgment of it) was the most authentic “human” moment of the telecast. Kudos to Sean Penn for providing a rare moment of grounded, if distant, presence in an otherwise sinking ship.
