Wheel of Time
I ended up watching your show, up until the point I heard it got cancelled. I even filled in a petition to save the show and wanted to share it with you. I realized that a lot of my problems with the show were production-related (good material, poor execution). I watched it because I missed you. I miss everything about you, and regardless of how painful it is to remember you, I want to be in your atmosphere.
So I decided to buy the books, because I want to inhabit the worlds you do, I want to traverse the mindscapes you’ve imagined, I want to share in the things that draw your attention as much as possible.
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Eye of the World started with a dedication, “Heart of my heart, Light of my life, Forever.” I felt a dull ache inside. I wished I could say that to you and make you really feel and believe it. I pushed past the pain I felt thinking about you when I read that. I started in the Two Rivers with Egwene, her keen observation and focus to be the best bucket carrier in the whole Two Rivers. As Egwene searched to find all the characters I had gotten accustomed to, I found myself also searching for you in the pages relating everything to you, trying to find you in a world you inhabited. I know I’d never find you here, I understand it is a fool’s errand, but I keep reading anyway, but then I slowly begin to build an appreciation for this space you decided to give your time to.
I then begin to visualize the world, the way lives intertwine like threads that ultimately create a whole pattern, the way the puzzle and literal pieces of your art come together to make a whole pattern. I then quietly wonder how I affected your thread, I’m curious what marks I’ve left on your thread. I feel as though I’ve left something you didn’t choose, that can’t be easily undone. I think I’ve hurt you in a way that may have closed something in you, as I don’t think you’ve given yourself to anyone the way you did to me, and I didn’t do enough to be protective of what you gave me.
I focus in on your thread, I think of all the qualities it has and I remember that you are the most resilient person I’ve met. I realize that your thread is more than anything I could do to it, that your pattern is stronger than the fear of my impact gives it credit for.
I quietly hope that we are intertwined on the wheel and that I will be able to share this with you in this life or the next.
