I can’t use curse words freely
Yes. That’s correct. It’s a big dilemma for me. One may ask a big question — Why? Why do I even want to use curse words in the first place? Isn’t it improper to use them? Or one may ask the opposite kind of question — Why you can’t use them? Who is holding you back? What’s stopping you?
The answer to first kind of question is I know it’s improper or unethical from a righteousness, proper and upright perspective. But I am not in a state of mind to use ethics to words that are coming out of my mouth. If I do that I will be in mental hospital in a couple of days.
That went dramatic but I just want you to set aside the ethics for a few minutes and focus on the second kind of question. The answer to the second of question is my mindset is the one who is stopping me. A mindset that is influenced by external factors.
I will keep doing this question and answer format so that you can easily understand what are the external factors.
One may again ask — What about your friend circle? You can’t use curse words among your friends? It’s true that among close friends or colleagues using curse words won’t even be noticed. But like I said in my first post that I don’t have nearly no one to talk random things. Using curse words is a farther thing I will say.
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When I had friends, or it’s better to say colleague, classmates etc., they assume me as a quiet, upright and intellectual person. Though I am from anything of that, but my appearance radiated that vibe. So once in a blue moon, whenever I used a curse word in a very frustrated situation, everyone acts shocked. Sometimes it even becomes topic of talk for a day. I agree that it may have been unexpected for first time, let’s even take second time but what about after that? Even after that it’s the same reaction. I can’t count it as a ‘Kidding’ reaction because we aren’t even close in the first place to do that.
Though it doesn’t matter what they think and all, but this is one of the external factors that unintentionally influenced my mindset. Now deeper into the friend circle, some 'friends’ who I had opportunity to go beyond formality connection, they don’t act surprise when I use curse words. Worse, they won’t acknowledge.
This is my one and only demand — Acknowledgement. I use curse words not for fun, not as a normal way of speaking, but for really frustrated situation, in a heated argument etc. That too even comes out so suddenly that even I was unaware when did I say such things. So whenever I am in a heated argument with a closed person, and I happen to use a curse word, they may even go more hyper, counter with their curse words, accuse me of using such words or any of the similar things. But none of them act that acknowledge that I am so furious that I even started using curse words.
It’s same with the family members but worse. They treat me like I did some unthinkable thing that is irreversible. I had one instance where it turned to a full day lecture, blaming, questioning etc. One may ask — What’s wrong with family members holding you accountable for this? — Nothing wrong but what about when they use it themselves? Hypocrisy, the best word I can use. I can hold them accountable for this too, a bit of quarrel, blaming and all but after that it will be up in the air. Maybe this external factor don’t affect their mindset like it does to mine.
So what do I mean by the acknowledgement? — Acknowledgement doesn’t mean whenever I use the curse word, the other person will go like, “Oh! Are you so angry right now?”, “Did it hurt you that much?” etc. It will be cringe for me and awkward. What I mean is they can ACT as they acknowledged it. Like trying to calm me or the situation, diverting the topic in a less heated direction or anything. I am not dumb or dense enough to not notice it.
One may finally ask — If you are expecting this from others, are you doing the same yourself? — Yes. Of course. That I can say confidently. When the role is reversed, I always acknowledge when the other person first use the curse words. I try really hard to do anything that may calm the situation or then so that they don’t have to use the curse word again.
In the end if I think carefully, the only time I was able to use it, when both of us badmouths the same person, which itself is another unethical thing and coincidentally the other person always first backout saying to just stop badmouthing others. On top of it during this interaction I use only low level words which many will not even consider curse words. Maybe because of my holding back mindset.
In the end it is not about using curse words, it’s about me feeling trapped, constrained and not free enough. Using curse words let’s out a lot of anger, stress and feels a lot more expressive, but when the other person don’t acknowledge it, it’s all in vain.
