Chapter 34: Report to the Deputy Director
“Agent Orange,” the Deputy Director says, “welcome back to active duty.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Agent Orange says.
“Your physical and psych evals check out, but — how are you feeling?”
“Pretty close to 100%, ma’am,” Agent Orange says.
“Okay. Good to have you back. So.” She looks around the room, lands on Agent Puce. “Agent Puce, you had something for us?”
“Yes, ma’am. Our CI inside the Church of Trump home office, Ennis McCaffee, reports that they have some kind of biopowered transceiver brain, consisting of three worms that were previously spokespersons in the Trump Administration back in the teens. Um, let’s see,” he says, checking his notes, “Sean Spicer as an intestinal flatworm, Kellyanne Conway as an earthworm, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders as a leech. Apparently also there’s a talking snake that does a killer Trump impersonation.”
“Noted,” says the Deputy Director. “And what have they learned from this brain?”
“Apparently they were able to use it to track Ba’al’s progress through several zones en route to Ennis McCaffee’s home, where Agent Lavender and I managed to quell an armed spider uprising and I got Agent Orange medevacked out before Agent Lavender sprung the cow-in-heat incendiary device on Ba’al.”
“Good work on that engagement, all,” the Deputy Director smiles. “Brilliant, in fact.”
The others nod and mumble their thanks.
“Anything else?” the DepDir asks.
“Apparently the worms also know where the Undead is, and have talked to him over some kind of biolinkup.”
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“So is the Undead’s location something we should be worried about?”
“I don’t think so, ma’am,” Agent Puce says. “He’s trapped in the belly of a whale shark.”
“Noted,” says the Deputy Director. “The longer he stays trapped there, the better.”
“Agreed,” says Agent Puce. “Oh, and Ennis also said that the worms have alerted the Church of Trump home office staff to the possibility of a mole in their midst.”
“A mole?”
“Possibly a noncorporeal mole,” Agent Puce explains. “It turns out the Undead was spirited away into hiding at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean off the Florida coast by his noncorporeal father Fred Trump, where he was swallowed by the whale shark, without the knowledge of the rest of the Church staff, because he, Fred Trump, believed the attack on his Undead son was perpetrated not by us, though they’re still blaming us for it, but by a mole in the upper echelons of the Church home office staff.”
The DepDir whistles appreciatively. “Isn’t that a fine kettle of fish, now,” she smiles.
“If I might add, ma’am,” Agent Orange puts in.
“Yes?”
“Agent Lavender and I have reason to believe that a dragon of some sort, possibly a Chinese dragon, is plotting an attack on our holding facility, designed to liberate the Yakisugi Agent Lavender’s cow-in-heat incendiary device made of Ba’al.”
“Reason to believe on what evidence?” the DepDir asks.
“Um, well, my dream,” Agent Orange says apologetically. “It could be nothing.”
“Let’s not discount it,” the DepDir says. “The two of you, follow up on it. Protecting the Yakisugi against attack is one of our highest priorities.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
