Say the Thing
Breaking Free from the Need to Be Liked and Learning to Lead Instead
There’s a moment before every hard conversation. A pause. A hesitation.
And in that space, a question arises, especially when I was a new leader:
What will they think of me if I say this out loud?
That question used to stop me in my tracks. Not because I lacked the words, but because I was tangled in the need to be liked. I wanted to lead with heart. I tried to protect relationships. I wanted to be approachable, kind, and trusted. But somewhere along the way, I confused being liked with being effective.
And before I ever opened my mouth, I let my soundtracks do the talking.
The Noise in My Head
Soundtracks, by Jon Acuff, is a book about the stories we repeat to ourselves and how those stories shape everything. He writes:
“A soundtrack is just a thought you’ve listened to so many times; it becomes part of your playlist.”
Before I could speak up in the tough moments, I had to confront the playlist in my mind. Mine went something like this:
· “If I say something, I’ll ruin the relationship.”
· “Kind leaders don’t make people uncomfortable.”
· “Silence is safer.”
Looking back, I know where those soundtracks started.
I grew up in a difficult home, where conflict wasn’t just uncomfortable, it felt dangerous. Speaking up could escalate things. So, I learned to stay small, stay quiet, and keep the peace.
I buried the anger. I buried the fear. I buried the truth, because survival meant silence.
But here’s the problem: what protected me as a child was hurting me as a leader. That script no longer served me, or the people I was called to lead. And until I rewrote it, I couldn’t fully show up in the rooms that mattered most.
The Generational Shift
And for many women of my generation, that silence was not just personal, it was cultural.
We were raised to be polite, accommodating, agreeable. The message was clear: Be seen, not heard. Don’t make waves. Don’t speak too boldly, too often, or too much.
And if you did? You risked being called emotional. Difficult. Unlikable.
But here’s what I’m learning from my daughters: That era is ending.
They speak with fire and clarity. They say the thing. They ask the question. They don’t apologize for taking up space.
And watching them has challenged me to unlearn the old rules and write new ones. Not just for myself, but for the women coming behind me.
We don’t lead by shrinking.
We lead by showing up, with truth, with courage, with our whole voice.
The Double Bind of Female Leadership
It’s not just about upbringing or generation; it’s about how female leaders are still perceived in the workplace today.
We walk a tightrope between confidence and compliance, assertiveness and approachability.
Say too little, and you’re seen as disengaged.
Say too much, and you’re too much.
So, it’s no wonder we second-guess. No wonder we soften. No wonder we let the soundtrack play: “Don’t upset anyone. Don’t come on too strong. Don’t make this uncomfortable.”
But real leadership, especially for women, requires us to challenge that narrative.
To show that clarity isn’t cruelty. Those boundaries aren’t cold. That speaking up isn’t rebellion, it’s responsibility.
If we want to lead well, we have to be willing to risk the discomfort. Not to be liked, but to be trusted.
And more importantly, to trust ourselves.
When the Stakes Are High
That’s where Crucial Conversations came in.
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Reading it felt like being handed a roadmap for everything I’d been white knuckling. The book doesn’t pretend that high-stakes conversations are easy; it just insists they’re possible. And it gives you the tools to stay in the room when every part of you wants to retreat.
It taught me how to start with heart, how to rebuild safety when emotions run high, and how to speak with both clarity and compassion. One of the most powerful tools was the STATE model:
· Share your facts
· Tell your story
· Ask for others’ paths
· Talk tentatively
· Encourage testing
Simple? Yes. Easy? No. But it changed everything.
Because the truth is, some conversations aren’t optional. They’re defining.
The Day I Chose to Lead, Not Be Liked
I remember sitting across from someone I cared deeply about, a high-performing, well-loved team member who was quietly unraveling the fabric of our culture.
The facts were there. The impact was real. But still, I hesitated.
The old soundtrack looped: “If I say this, she’ll never trust me again.”
But then the new one kicked in: “Leadership means saying what needs to be said, even if it costs you comfort.”
So, I did. I leaned on the tools from Crucial Conversations and the mindset from Soundtracks. I spoke clearly. I made it safe. I invited her perspective. And I stayed in the tension, even when my heart pounded.
It wasn’t perfect. But it was honest. And over time, it changed us both.
She rose. I grew. And the team started healing.
“Leadership means saying what needs to be said, even if it costs you comfort.”
What I’m Still Learning
I wish I could say I’ve mastered this. I haven’t.
Some days, I still fight the urge to soften, to sugarcoat, to avoid. Especially with the people I love most, my team, my colleagues, my adult children. The soundtrack of “Just Keep the Peace” plays loudly on those days.
But I’m learning this truth:
Being liked is comforting. Being trusted is transformative.
I’m not called to be everyone’s favorite. I’m called to lead.
And real leadership lives at the intersection of honesty and humility.
The Challenge
Here’s my question for you:
What’s the soundtrack playing in your head before you speak?
And more importantly,
Is it helping you lead? Or is it keeping you liked?
If you want to grow, you’ll have to get uncomfortable. You’ll have to replace the old loops with new truths. And you’ll have to say the thing that matters most — even when it’s hard.
Because the words that change the room?
They usually start by changing you.
Real leadership lives at the intersection of honesty and humility.
This is part of my July series, Books That Changed Me- a daily reflection on the books that shaped who I am and how I live. Check them all out and share your thoughts.
