Meat Slinkies 101
Did your beloved catte, pupper, doggo, and/or screaming birb recently perish? Are you looking for a new pet that is cuddly, loving, slightly smelly, and not a toxically overexposed meme? You should consider: a ferret! Or three!
Ferrets are great pets that suffer from an undeserved bad reputation. They are intelligent, affectionate, and adorable. I hate listicles, so I’m not going to make this a 9 Reasons to Buy A Ferret (Number 6 is Real!) type article. I’m just going to discuss what I’ve found are the best parts of ferret ownership.
They’re incredibly social animals. You can’t have just one ferret unless you have another animal for it to play with. Be careful — ferrets are like permanent kittens, they’re very rambunctious, and they have predator teeth. A hamster or guinea pig wouldn’t last a week. A cat is a great partner, but a well-trained and docile dog can be a friend as well. Both are much larger than the ferret, but most ferrets I know have no fear of other animals, even ones they probably should be afraid of. If you introduce them while they’re young they’ll be the best of friends. Older animals might be freaked out by the ferret’s lack of fear and strange smell, so watch them carefully.
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As I’ve intimated above, ferrets LOVE to play. They sleep about 18 hours a day, but when they’re awake, they’re practically bouncing off the walls. They will war ceaselessly and energetically, forming and dissolving alliances like the nations of Orwell’s 1984 as they tussle in a furry pile on your floor. An excited ferret will do the “weasel war dance,” a bouncing leap back and forth accompanied by a loud chuckle known as “dooking.” When they’re not fighting, they’re stealing anything they can find and hiding it behind your bookcases and beneath your appliances. They’re burrowers, and they’re comfortable snuggled into your clothes or under your refrigerator, with snacks stolen away to munch on in safety.
Ferrets can be petted, but they won’t sit still for it. They might lick you — our Bella was an inveterate licker — but their affection is measured more in the way their eyes light up when you flip them, tickle them, and tease them. They have personalities, as any pet owner could tell you about their fuzzy children, and what one ferret loves another may hate. They’re very quiet, but you can tell from observing them what they want. When they’re upset, their tails will puff out like a bottle brush, and they might yelp in extremity of fear or pain. Conversely, their contented dooking is a sign that you’ve made them very happy.
Ferrets can easily be trained to use a litter box, and they’ll typically try to go to the bathroom in corners, so putting down newspaper helps. Ferret food exists, but in its absence they’ll happily eat kitten food. Obligate carnivores, ferrets must have an all-meat diet, and the grain-free food is best for their digestion. They can supposedly be trained to wear a special harness, but I’ve never met a ferret who can’t wriggle out of it. They are boneless creatures, artfully contorting themselves to squeeze underneath your refrigerator or behind your stove. Once there, they’re almost impossible to lure out — ours respond well to bribes of Ferretone, a skin and coat supplement that they will greedily lick up wherever we put it down. Putting a dab of Ferretone on each ferret’s forehead produces a whirling yin-yang of fuzzy bodies, each trying to lick the top of the other’s head.
Of course, no pet is perfect. While ferrets are not nearly as smelly as the myths would have you believe (most ferrets sold in the US are surgically de-scented), they do have a slight musk. They’re fastidious creatures who clean themselves regularly, so you don’t have to worry about matted fur, but their poops are pretty smelly because of their all-meat diet. They don’t live that long: 9 is old for a ferret, and many won’t make it that far due to either accidents or illness. Their curiosity overwhelms their scant good sense and they are often underfoot, and inbreeding has left them particularly susceptible to all kinds of cancers. To own a ferret, your home must be ferret-proofed, with any small holes they can crawl into blocked up or made safe. Make sure your location is suitable for a ferret: some municipalities don’t allow them, and they are banned in California and Hawai’i. Even if you can have ferrets where you live, you should make sure that they will have a local vet who works on exotics.
Don’t let all that frighten you off! Ferrets are pretty low-maintenance, as long as they have plenty of freedom to romp around and a good supply of food and water. Give them a hammock to sleep in and a tunnel to crawl and they’ll be happy little beasts. You should consider getting a ferret or two. They’re great companions. Just hide your keys!
