“When Hate turns to Love”
I was a gifted kid. Hindi naman ako nagsimula bobo. Noong grade school ako, I was always the Top 1. Coming from a broken family, I needed to get a scholarship. I was a burden sa pamilya ko if I didn’t. My father would only talk to me kung naging valedictorian ako.
When highschool came around, I sort of rebelled with that idea. I was entitled to do my own thing, and I didn’t want to waste my time doing that kind of shit. So when Grade 10 started, I completely neglected studying.
When Grade 9 ended, campaigning started. I hated the guy from D.A.R.K Party so much. For sure may secret personality yan sa loob, na mapanghusga sa iba. Impossibleng may ganyan na ka “perfect” na tao sa mundo.
I wasn’t close with Joshua. But I remember him from one time in my past. Grade 8? Nag break sa ‘kin jowa ko because nagustuhan niya si Joshua. Fuck him, inagaw niya girlfriend ko. Pero i’ll have ny revenge this school year, i’ll make sure of it.
Nagsimula yung araw ko sa paaralan noong nakita ko si Joshua Villanueva, Supreme Student Council President namin. His eyebrows furrowed at the sight of me, almost like his gaze shot right through my head.
“Mr. Lõpez, What do you think you are doing wearing improper uniform in school hallways?”
Tumigil ako sa paglalakad. Tarantado ‘toh ah, porket SSC Pres. pwedeng magpahiya ng tao sa hallway? Eh ang jologs naman kung naka tuck-in uniform ko, ‘di lang naka tuck-in.
“Anong pake mo, Joshua? Ba’t ka nagpapa-affect sa suot ko ‘di ka naman apektado kung naka tuck-in o hindi.”
He looked suprised. I guess he wasn’t expecting that. Duh, ‘di ako magpapatalo! Kahit mapagalitan pa ako ng Principal basta’t nakasagot ako sakanya at hindi umalis na parang duwag.
“Don’t try me Mr. Lopez.”
He slowly walked away, acting like he won. Gago? Ang saya niyang lumakad akala mo siya nanalo. Mapapanosebleed ako sa kaka english niya, hayup.
After orientation, nakita ko sections namin sa board, at listahan ng mga kaklase ko.
— “Anghelito Andrei B. Busmante”
— “Benjie Ethan Reyes”
— “Mark Daniel S. Garcia”
— “Joselito M. Bayani”
— “Joshua Danillo D. Villanueva”
— “Rodrigo Gabriel Dela Cruz”
“Tangina?? May mali ata sa section.. ba’t andito si-”
I stopped when I felt someone creep up to me. I felt someone’s breathe on my neck.
“Looks like you aren’t happy to see me, hm?”
He grinned from one ear to the other. May hawak hawak siyang tubig non, pinigil ko nalang sarili ko na ihampas yung bote niya sa mukha niya. His face irritated me, I wanted to wipe that smug look on his face for once.
“Why would I be? You’re not all that porket President ka. ‘Di man nga kita binoto e!”
Sinabi ko yon para magalit siya, para mainis siya. Pero bakit tumatawa lang siya? Naco-control niya anger niya sa ‘kin? How can someone be so perfect?
“Maybe we got off to the wrong start. What’s your name?”
“Alain.”
“Alain? Bagay sayo.”
Bagay? Bagay sa ‘kin?
Teka, teka, bakit bumibilis puso ko? Tangina, ba ka marinig niya.
“Anyways, alis na ‘ko. I have nothing else to say to you.”
Umalis ako sa classroom namin at pumunta sa comfort room. Lumala yung pagkapula mga pisngi ko, ano nangyayari??
Sabi lang naman niya sakin bagay pangalan ko.
Umayos ka, Alain!!
I mustered up the courage to leave the comfort room when my redness went down. As I was leaving, nakasalubong ko si Joshua.
“Weird seeing you here. Class is about to start, Alain.”
First name basis? Feeling close. Tch.
“Hmph”
I walked away as I forcefully, and purposefully bumped into his shoulder.
Ayan nanaman siya, has that smug look again on his face.
CHARACTERS BIO
Joshua Danillo Villanueva
-- 5'11 ft’
-- Libra
-- Oldest Child of Four
-- Hobbies: Playing the piano,
Inaasar si Alain
-- Fav food: Pagmamahal
Alain Dan Lopez
-- 5'7 ft’
-- Virgo
-- Only child
-- Hobbies: Manood sa Netflix
-- Fav food: Carbonara“Today ninyo i-dedeliver yung monologue niyo, I hope enough practice ninyo. — Let’s start with Alain Lopez”
Ha?! Ako?.. Gago ‘di ko kaya, wala man ako na-memorise shit!
Lumakad ako papunta kay ma’am.
“Ezrel, aking mahal. Noong pinulot mo ang-”
“Ang-”
I froze. Wala na. Nakalimutan ko yung script ko. I felt every one of my classmates judging me for stuttering. My gaze followed Joshua, binasa ko ang labi niya.
“You can do this, believe in yourself.”
I took a deep breath. And I continued until I finished. I don’t know pano ko naalala script ko. I just did.
“Very good, Alain. Next ay si Joshua Villanueva.”
I slowly went back to my chair. Natapos na din, thank you Lord.
Tsk, si Joshua next. Sana mautal.
“Go baby ko!!”
“Ang pogi mo today Joshua!”
Sinigaw ng mga may crush niya. Tch, ligo muna bago landi.
“Virgeng Ináng mariquit
Emperadora sa Langit,
tulungan po yaring isip
matutong macapagsulit.
Sa aua mo po’t, talaga
Vírgeng ualang macapára,
acong hamac na oveja
hulugan nang iyong gracia.
Dila co’i iyóng talasan
pauiin ang cagarilán.”
He gazed at me with sparkling eyes. Almost as if his words were sought for me.
“Tsk, tumingin ka nga sa iba.”
Nagsipalapakan sila noong natapos na siya. Wala man maganda sa pagdeliver niya ng lines, tch.
*RING BELL*
“Balik kayo ng 1.”
“Yes po ma’am!”
Lumapit si Joshua sa ‘kin.
“Impressed ka ba, Mr Lopez?”
“Don’t act all cocky, Mr. Villanueva. Ano kaya gagawin ko with that big ego of yours?”
He chuckled as if my negative comment was praise. Anong kasiya-siya diyan? Ako tuloy nagmukhang gago. Tarantado.
“That is a very intriguing notion, in it’s own way, Alain. I hope we grow closer.”
“Fuck being closer. ‘Di ako-”
May tumawag kay Joshua. Natataranta ka ba sis?
“ — JOSHUA!! TARA NA CANTEEN!”
Argh.. ‘di ko alam bakit ang dami niyang kaibigan. Eh halata namang peke personality niyan. He’s just putting a facade para sa mga teachers.
“I’m sorry Alain, it looks like I have to go. See you.”
Go lang. Wala naman akong pake anyways kung umalis ka o hindi.
“Hoi Joshua, ang galing mo kanina!!”
Joshua’s friend, a girl, linked her arms around his shoulder. Ugh. What’s so impressing about dun?
I don’t want her clinging to Joshua like that. Who does she think she is?
I whispered under my breathe, sort of mumbling words.
A bright idea came to me. What if I studied hard again so I could beat Joshua sa recitations?
“Tangina. This is it. Revenge ko.”
I pulled an all-nighter, studying the pages I never wanted to read. Para lang matalo ko si Joshua.
“Goodmorning class.”
“Goodmorning po ma’am”
I sat upright, ready to answer all the questions ma’am gave us. This was my chance.
“Today we will have a special debate. I need two pairs of volunteers. Who can help me?”
Joshua raised his hand. Tsk, naunahan lang ako.
“Joshua? Alright Joshua who will be your partner?”
“Si Mr. Lopez po ma’am”
The whole class went silent, in a state of shock.
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My classmates suddenly made a commotion —
“WOO!! GO JOSHLAIN!”
“Huy bagay sila noh?”
“YIEE ENEMIES TO LOVERS YAN??”
“Wtf? Ano balak mo Josh-”
“Mr. Lopez? Please prepare a sheet of paper and go in front with Mr. Villanueva.”
Ha…. Tangina. Wala ako magagawa kung si ma’am nagsabi.
“We’ll have Mr. Garcia and Ms. Busmante as the opposing team.”
“The theme is — Why should Divorce be legal? Mr. Villanueva’s team will answer why it should be legal and Ms. Busmante’s team will answer why it should be illegal.”
Rachel Busmante raised her hand.
“Ms, it should be illegal po because if the couple has bore a child, it would be a burden and would be hurtful to the child.”
Joshua raised his hand and stood.
“In the event of abuse happening in the relationship, Ms. Busmante, wouldn’t it be alarming for one side and even for the child?”
“A study showed that unilateral divorce is associated with lower rates of domestic violence and female suicide.”
I am not gonna lose to him. I raised my hand.
“What my partner is trying to say, is that we can’t ignore that not all relationships are ideal. There are love-less relationships, and there are also abusive relationships.”
Without wasting a second, Mr. Garcia backed Ms. Busmante up.
“It’s devastating for the people going through the divorce, both emotionally and psychologically. It’s also devastating financially. Divorce might be abused by people who uses it shallow reasons!”
I stood up without even raising my hand. Coming from a broken family didn’t have the opportunity to get a divorce because the Philippines didn’t allow it. My mother was abusive, to my dad and I. My dad filed for an annulment yet it was no use since the court didn’t support poor people like us.
“Yes, Mr. Garcia. That is a valid concern — but we have to remember that whatever reason two people decide to get a divorce, it is NONE of our business. And I want to take our focus out of the people who would use it for shallow reasons and focus on the people who are in dangerous situations that are bound to them because of marriage.”
I felt Joshua’s glance like crazy. I heard the timer for the debate ring; and with no suprise we won the debate.
“You were amazing out there, partner.”
“Pftt.. don’t underestimate a former valedictorian.”
I felt relieved with Joshua. I think the only reason I won the debate with him was because he was besides me, and it calmed me down.
Fuck?? Why am I thinking these corny shit? Get a grip, Alain.
As more time went on, I spent more and more time with Joshua.
Tsk — not like I had a choice.
He would always ask me if I was free, and he would listen to me rant on and on. Yet he never said anything, and just listened to all my problems.
“Hoy Fred, anong impression mo kay Joshua?”
“Kay Joshua? Hmm.. mabait, matalino.. I’m not sure since ‘di ko din kaclose. Ba’t mo natanong?”
Pfft, he doesn’t know his true personality. I bet Joshua is a huge pain in the ass and just made a new persona.
“Ah, wala lang. See you later bro”
I remembered I had to study for an exam tomorrow. Need ko pumunta sa library. It’s quiet and peaceful there.
— “Nice seeing you here.”
I almost jumped. Putangina Joshua!!
“Di na ba uso yung lumalapit ng normal??!”
“Pffft — It’s funny seeing you flustered.”
T-Tsk..
Pumunta ako dito para magka peace of mind.
What a waste…
It’s been 3 months since Joshua and I became rather “close”. Because of my tough life, I never had someone there for me, I could take care of myself. Yet Joshua proved me wrong. Sometimes I would just burst out crying while ranting to him. I was showing vulnerability, I hated that. And he would say not one single word and just hug me.
Focus, Alain.
This is your enemy.
Siya yung reason na iniwan ka ni Belle. Yet why am I acting this way?
Monday morning. I was staring at the clock, as if bibilis yung oras kung tinitigan ko.
“Reccess time. Be back at 10.”
“Good day ma’am!!”
I went to the canteen, as usual. Pero today hindi ko kasama si Joshua. Kaagad siyang lumabas after reccess, saan siya?
I walked around the school and that’s where I saw Fred, holding his phone.
Bakit niya kausap si Joshua?
“Tarantado, were you making a move on Alain next?”
They didn’t see me standing there. Yet I heard Fred clearly. Making a move??.. Huh?
Fred shows a text screenshot to Joshua.
Fuck fuck fuck, hindi ko mabasa. I took my phone out and zoomed on his phone.
W-Wtf.. Ano yan??
“Sinend sakin ito ng ex mo. Gago kadiri, fuck bading ka pala? Ba ka tinititigan mo bakat namin tuwing P.E?”
Joshua stood there. He just stood there. No feelings whatsoever.
Fred, without hesitation, suddenly clenched his fist and threw a punch. Aiming for the eyes.
At that exact moment, there were no thoughts in my head. My body… just moved on it’s own.
I was the only one who knew how Joshua felt.
“F-fuck Fred?!? Gusto mo ba ma suspend?”
“I was doing it for your sake Alai-”
“I don’t wanna fucking hear it. Palibhasa ka.”
I carried Joshua’s shoulder and walked him away from Fred. At that moment, I realized that Joshua has been nothing but kind to me. Yet the thanks I gave him back was hate. Just hatred.
All my hatred for Joshua was gone.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry Alain.”
I almost began to tear up when I heard Joshua’s voice tremble with fear. He didn’t deserve this. I wish I was there for him.
“I’d never admit something like this to your face, but the truth is, without meaning to, I start acting like you. I may be mean to you sometimes, and I hate it. But my idea of happiness is so tied to the image of you in my head, that in those moments, I can’t help but to love you!..”
His bruise on his face started turning purple. It looked like it hurt. My heart hurt, why did it?
Even with his bruise, he smiled at me and said
“I love you too, Mr. Lopez.”
I felt a tear drip down the side of my face. I loved him, and it was time to accept it.
A few months goes by like days.
I an dating Joshua Villanueva, our SSC President, secretly.
“Happy Valentines Day my grumpy husband.”
He bought me a bouquet of roses and many chocolate bars.. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Okay lang ba talaga na i-accept ko lahat ito?
“Woahhh look at you Mr. SSC Pres!! Ang romantic mo ahh~”
“Sayo lang, Alain.”
My relationship with Joshua is almost becoming 6 months na. I should do something special para sa anniversary namin..
May narinig akong mga nag whi-whisper sa hallway. They kept giving me glances. Maayos naman suot ko..
“Hindi ba yon yung boyfriend ni Joshua?”
“Yuck… gago bading pala silang dalawa?
“Ang lakas ng loob nilang pumasok. BWAHAHAH”
I heard everything.
How did this spread? Paano nila nalaman?..
“J-Joshua. I need to talk to you.”
“PAANO MAY NAKALAMAN SA RELATIONSHIP NATIN?-”
“C-calm down Alain.. I really dont know”
“Are you not embarrassed at all??? I am. Takot na takot ako, Joshua. Takot para sakin pati para sayo.”
“I’m open with being gay, Alain. Di ako affected-”
“WELL I AM!”
His eyes frozed and his eyebrows furrowed.
“Alai-”
“AYOKONG MALAMAN NG BUONG MUNDO NA BAKLA AKO, JOSHUA!! PWEDE NA OKAY SAYO PERO SAKIN HINDI!”
Joshua couldn’t utter a single word. I’m sorry.
“Please calm down..”
“Joshua, I think it’s time we break up.”
“Do you hear yourself? After all things we’ve been through?”
I also regret this decision, Joshua. But it is for the best.
“Everything was new to me.”
“And frankly, your support was burdensome. But you were rooting for me, so I wanted to show you that I could be better. I didn’t want to complain.”
I felt like a huge weight lifted upon my chest when I said that. I knew it was gonna hurt him. I’m sorry.
“…Weren’t you listening to me? I told you that we were gonna share everything with eachother. Our sadness, happiness, frustration. Everything-”
I interrupted Joshua.
“Can’t you see?”
“We’re lovers only during good times, and a burden to eachother in the bad times.”
I took a deep breath. I managed to utter the last sentence I wanted to say to him.
“If I were a woman, loving you wouldn’t be a sin.”
