Spongebob Script
SCRIPT
SPONGEBOB:
Okay, Patrick, let’s go over your instrument again.
PATRICK:
Okay.
SPONGEBOB:
Now, this is your clarinet.
PATRICK:
Yep.
SPONGEBOB:
You hold it like this, and you blow into it.
PATRICK:
Got it.
(Beat.)
PATRICK:
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
(Freeze. SpongeBob slowly turns.)
SPONGEBOB:
No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
PATRICK:
Horseradish is not an instrument either.
SPONGEBOB:
Correct.
(Later — rehearsal chaos)
SPONGEBOB:
Okay, everyone! From the top!
(Patrick immediately plays horribly.)
SPONGEBOB:
Patrick! You’re ruining the song!
PATRICK:
I’m playing as hard as I can!
SPONGEBOB:
No, Patrick, you’re not supposed to blow that hard!
PATRICK:
Oh.
(Patrick gently taps the clarinet.)
SPONGEBOB:
No, Patrick! You have to blow into it!
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PATRICK:
Ohhh.
(Patrick blows the wrong end.)
SPONGEBOB:
Patrick! The other end!
PATRICK:
Ohhhhhh.
(Patrick pauses.)
PATRICK:
Which one’s the other end?
(SpongeBob screams internally.)
(Another attempt.)
SPONGEBOB:
Patrick, do you even know how to read music?
PATRICK:
Yeah.
SPONGEBOB:
Then what does this note mean?
PATRICK:
That’s the one that looks like a squid.
SPONGEBOB:
No, Patrick, that’s not —
PATRICK:
This one means “be loud.”
SPONGEBOB:
That’s a forte.
PATRICK:
Oh. I thought it was French for “four.”
(Patrick plays again. It’s worse.)
SPONGEBOB:
Patrick, stop!
PATRICK:
Am I doing it right now?
SPONGEBOB:
NO!!!
(Beat.)
PATRICK:
…Is now?
(Button freeze.)
