How my marriage taught me to gamify love
In the tapestry of relationships, the desire for love and acceptance often drives our actions, sometimes leading us down unexpected paths. My own journey took me through uncharted territory, where the pursuit of validation turned into a destructive game. Little did I know that this game, born out of desperation and emotional neglect in my marriage, would eventually become the key to unraveling the very fabric of my self-worth.
In my marriage, I felt invisible. Emotionally starved, physically distant, and mentally disconnected. As I found myself in a perpetual cycle of begging for his attention and always coming up empty-handed, I shouldered the burden of self-blame, convincing myself that I must have been the root cause. Competing for attention against my spouse’s work, hobbies, and even his meticulous tendencies, I always fell short. I knew where I stood on his list of priorities, and it was never in the top 3. The moments of rare attention only yielded fragments of his presence, leaving me yearning for more. I would always tell him, “I get the rest of you, but never the best of you.”
Frustration and desperation led me to take an unconventional path: emotional affairs. These secret connections became my refuge, offering a fleeting sense of confidence, love, and being seen. The addictive nature of being seen was undeniable. It was as if I had stumbled upon a hidden wellspring of validation, quenching my thirst for acknowledgment. These emotional affairs, I thought, were my way of testing my value — a dangerous game that temporarily masked the underlying issue.
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With each emotional affair, I collected a cache of proof showcasing my desirability. However, when these relationships reached the precipice of commitment, I found myself recoiling and running back to my husband. The truth was stark: I wasn’t addicted to these relationships or the men, but to the validation they brought. The moment they mirrored my self-worth, I withdrew, as if afraid to confront my own potential.
Three years have passed since my divorce, and in the aftermath, I’ve navigated two significant relationships. Today, I stand at a crossroads, peering introspectively into the convoluted path of validation-seeking that I’ve walked. Strangely, when these two men knelt before me, ring in hand, I fled in an instant. It’s almost as if I were determined to demonstrate to myself, and prove to my ex, once more, that I held the capacity to deserve marriage and another’s unwavering commitment.
It’s clear that I need to break free from this self-destructive cycle. It’s not about proving anything to my ex or to others anymore; it’s about proving to myself that I am worthy of love and acceptance.
Through my marriage, I somehow taught myself that my self-worth was determined by his validation, but I was misguided. It’s an inside job. It’s about embracing my scars and insecurities, acknowledging them as part of my story.
In moments when one is left unseen, uncared for, or their every attempt for attention is brushed aside, the crucial question arises: is this battle worth fighting? The weight of feeling undeserving took a toll on my confidence and distorted my self-perception. My journey from seeking validation to discovering self-worth has been a rollercoaster of emotions and revelations. I’ve learned that external validation is a temporary fix, and true healing begins with cultivating self-love.
The scars of my past don’t define me; they’ve merely shaped the person I’m becoming. Through self-discovery, self-care, and embracing authenticity, I’m breaking free from the unconscious strategies and moves of emotional gamification. No longer a player in that destructive game, I’m become the author of my own story, where self-worth and love reign supreme.
